Q. My middle-aged sister's husband died several years ago. She finally started going out a little and met a nice gentleman. He wants to get a little more serious. She's not ready for that and has already decided she is not a good match for him, interest wise. She'd like to keep him as a friend, but start going on trips and tours with a long-time best girlfriend, who is also widowed.
I suggested she write this gentleman and explain because she says she doesn't know how to tell him face-to-face and is afraid she'll mishandle the whole thing. She's not too sure writing it all in a note to him is proper, so I wanted to ask you?
A. Your suggestion is a good one for your sister. She has been through a lot of emotional trauma since losing her husband. Putting her feelings down on paper will help her avoid saying something that might hurt this kind gentleman's feelings. She can take her time in writing it, re-read it and rewrite it as many times as she wants. I suggest she tell the gentleman how much she has enjoyed spending time with him, mentioning specific occasions such as theater, movies, dancing, museums or whatever.
Other advice for her:
* Compliment him on some of his personal attributes such as good humor, kindness, fun ideas, etc.
* Do not lie.
* Be straightforward when explaining why she is sending the letter: She is not ready for a serious relationship.
* Thank him for being such a good friend, wonderful person or whatever specifics she might like to tell him.
Q. When I went to pay the final bill to the caterer who prepared food for my parents' wedding anniversary party, there was a cake cutting/serving fee per person. I was shocked. Is this normal?
A. This is a fee charged by some caterers, but it is a fee that should be identified or itemized during your preliminary interview with the caterer regarding all the fees comprising the total cost. If not then, a breakout, including this fee should be in the final contract presented to you for your signature.
Depending on the size of your event and the amount you are spending with the caterer, this cake-cutting fee is definitely something you should negotiate to not pay. After all, you are already paying a labor charge and several gratuities. The wait staff is still on duty at the time of the cake-cutting and serving; therefore, this fee should be part of the meal fee and not an additional fee.
Re-address this fee with the caterer to, hopefully, have it removed.
Q. It always seems a bit uncomfortable to shake hands with all the bridesmaids and groomsmen in a receiving line. I never know what to say that makes sense. When I get married next year, it's just going to be me and my husband. So, is that terrible?
A. No, not at all. You and your husband determine who is in the receiving line. Limiting the number because of time, space, etc., makes sense.
I suggest you advise all wedding party members, as well as both or all sets of parents before the wedding day, to avoid any confusion or hurt feelings.
Q. What do you think about a "dollar dance" at a wedding reception to raise a little money for the bride and groom for their honeymoon or whatever they need to use it for?
A. If this is something you feel comfortable with as a part of your reception, include it. If you feel this may cause your guests to feel uncomfortable, then you may decide not to include it. It is a common event in many areas of the country.
Send your etiquette questions to Dianne Isbell, Lifestyle, P.O. Box 427, 120 S. Illinois, Belleville, IL 62222-0427.
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