SMooch July 2010

July 7, 2010 

Bitter, party of one...

To quote Elaine Benes (from Seinfeld fame), "Is it possible I'm not as good looking as I think I am?"

Because, really, that's what women think when this happens:

    • We get dumped
    • We get stood up
    • We get left in the middle of a date
      (and yes, that is a new level of awful)

And if all of these things happened to one person, say within a one year period, you would definitely start to wonder "What the heck is going on?!"

I know that's what I'm sitting here thinking right now.

I'm also reminded of the oft-quoted statement by two of my Uncles after my second divorce, "She can really pick 'em." Because I want to believe I'm just picking the wrong guys. Or at the very least, the wrong guys for me.

But, maybe it's not about who I'm picking. Maybe it's more about who I'm attracting. This has lead me to a breakthrough: It's time to overhaul my online profile! For some reason, I've always been truthful on these websites (see Dating Advice in May/June 2010 issue of Lipstik - seriously, I was giving dating advice? Oh, yes, that's when I had a boyfriend and was all smug. For 12 weeks).

But, as Dolly from the movie Must Love Dogs says, "It's an ad, honey." And I do know a few things about advertising (since I've been in the business for 20 - ahem, I mean - 10 years). Effective immediately, the following changes will be made to my online dating profile:

    • Age: 41 36 (much more believable than 35, right?)
    • Height: 5'6" 5'10" (with heels, that is totally true)
    • Body type: About average Athletic and toned (ha ha!)

To support the above "body type" lie, I will slightly alter "sports and exercises I enjoy" to include:

    • Cycling (I have ridden a bike, but not since I was like 12)
    • Volleyball (I did play in junior high and high school)
    • Aerobics (I took a jazzercise class about 5 years ago and almost passed
       out, but it still counts!)
    • Yoga (ok, I've never done yoga, but I'm still flexible from my cheerleading
       days - totally counts!)

And, I must change my photos. They're all of me smiling and having fun, and sometimes, with a drink in my hand (ok, mostly with a drink in my hand). I will banish all "fun" photos and replace them with a mysterious smile photo (although I don't think one of those exists). Maybe I'll ask a friend to photo shop my head onto the Mona Lisa . . . Genius!

All I know is that I'm set with my summer wardrobe, because Bitter is the New Pink. And it goes with everything.

P.S. If you'd like to read a very funny memoir about being bitter, check out Bitter is the New Black by Jen Lancaster. It is the first in a series of books by this hilarious gal from Chicago.

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