November 4, 2010 

Christmas may be the biggie, but when it comes to the holiday season, I have to say that Halloween is, hands down, my favorite. Some people love hanging stockings on the fireplace mantle. I prefer hanging a fake, severed limb from my trunk and dragging it along the road as I drive. (What? I said it was "fake".)

Besides, who said Christmas isn't scary? Have you ever been in a toy store during December? And what do you call a fat man sliding down your chimney in the middle of the night? You call it Santa. I call it breaking and entering.

The best part of Halloween are the costumes. As far as I'm concerned, I'll never be too old to dress up. This year I lost a lot of weight, so I was looking forward to being able to fit into a store-bought costume. I didn't exactly love the selection of adult female costumes though. Let's see. I could be a naughty nurse or a naughty police officer or a naughty vampire or a naughty nun. The choices were endless. It's rather ironic that the only costume I couldn't seem to find was one called "Prostitute".

All Hallow's Eve began as a Celtic ritual. So I'm not exactly sure when the Druid priests introduced corsets, fishnet stockings and stilettos into their sacred ritual garb. That must have been the later, more progressive sect.

About the only naughty option for male costumes is the fake butt cheeks. Is that for the naughty plumber costume? I doubt it. If you don't mind being a bad stereotype from the '70's, there are certainly an abundance of pimp costumes your guy can consider. Other than that, male costumes seem to revolve around Science Fiction, Super Heroes or anything involving a mullet wig.

As a child, my Halloween costumes were very limited. And by limited, I mean anything you could make with a big, plastic trash bag. Despite the fact that my mother sewed quite a bit, Halloween costumes didn't rank very high with her. Store-bought was too expensive as well. So I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Hefty™ for enriching my childhood. If only they would have had the drawstrings in the bags back then. Imagine the possibilities had I been able to make a pleat.

Somehow I manage to create beautiful costumes on my own nowadays. This is quite amazing, since my sewing skills could be described as somewhat lackluster. Did you know that when you pick up a shirt and the sleeves are facing downward, it's because of the way you sewed them on? I thought it was simply gravity. I found out the hard way in my high school sewing class that it was not. The shirt I made was lovely, but it was pretty much useless unless all you wanted to do was the YMCA dance. I was the only girl in class that had a sharpening stone for my fabric ripper.

My sister inherited the sewing gene. But while it may be impressive to make your own wedding gown, it's really a one-time only dress. I'd like to see her take a 6 ft. piece of orange fleece and make it into a Carrot, Fred Flintstone and the Lady Gaga meat dress. However, I have to give a big nod to my sister for making a bridesmaid dress for me. Since they didn't make bridesmaid's moo-moos, she was tasked with enhancing the pattern a bit. Thankfully, I only needed that dress once too. Years later, my brother was sleepwalking and mistook my closet for a bathroom. Ever heard someone urinating on taffeta? It kind of sounds like rain on a tin shed roof. That'll teach me to leave the closet door open.

But I digress.

This year was especially memorable because I got to take my nieces shopping for costumes. They had never been to the spooky Halloween store before. I bought a naughty Dora for the nine-year-old and a naughty ladybug for the seven-year-old. Just kidding. Actually, they are both going as vampire-type things. I'm not sure. I bought the younger one fangs. I'm assuming she'll only use them for her costume.

It'll be fun to create more new traditions this year. One of my very favorites of past years was dressing like the Grim Reaper and jumping out from behind the door when people walked in. Oh...wait a minute. That was Thanksgiving. Yeah, grandma used to hate that one.

What greater tradition can there be than the holiday movie? You can't deny there are far more Halloween movies than Christmas movies. Of course, in Christmas movies, people usually have good outcomes. In horror movies, people usually have sex in the woods, split up and get picked off one by one by a serial killer who can't die and likes to wear sports equipment. Serial killers in horror movies always seem to be heavy breathers too. Perhaps someone needs to look into a link between psychotic behavior and asthma.

Pretty lights and fake snow vs. strobe lights and fog machines. Tinsel on a pine tree vs. spider webs on a dead tree. Jack-O-Lanterns vs. pumpkin pie. Whatever your favorite holiday is, I think we can all agree that it's sad how stores have mixed all of their holiday displays together. One holiday is barely over before decorations for the next holiday hit the shelves. Sometimes this confuses me and creates awkward situations. Like that electric carving knife. It's for carving the Thanksgiving turkey, right?

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