Musing Sept 2011

September 8, 2011 

Beth Wiesemann



Help Me Rename My Column!
If you have an idea for a new name for my column, please send it to pklepac@bnd.com. If I choose your idea, you will receive a special Lipstik tote bag full of surprise goodies picked out by me!




For this issue, it was decided that we would do a story on me to discuss my weight loss. As of this writing, it's just shy of 100 pounds. (To put that into perspective, I've lost one of the Olsen Twins). Since all of the writers had already been assigned for this issue, I generously offered to save some money and interview myself. What follows is an excerpt from the hard hitting interview of myself. I think you'll see that I didn't pull any punches on myself and I was quite annoyed with myself for what I feel was rather harsh treatment of myself. And from my point of view I'd have to say that I found myself to be somewhat of a hard interview. A couple of times, I was tempted to walk out on myself.

Beth: So what was the final turning point in your life that made you decide to lose weight?
Beth: My feet.

Beth: Your feet were hurting?
Beth: No. I just couldn't see them.

Beth: So your weight wasn't causing you any pain in your feet at all?
Beth: Yes. My feet hurt quite a bit. Apparently your arches are held together by big rubber bands and after a while, they start to stretch out under the pressure of constant, huge amounts of weight coming down on them.

Beth: Dropped arches. I believe that's a condition called Plantar Fasciitis.
Beth: Yes. Which until I actually had it, I thought it was some dictatorial political movement in Italy. But I now think it's latin for "Damn, my heel really hurts in the morning".

Beth: People often talk about the wonderful aspects of losing weight. Are there any downsides to losing weight?
Beth: Yes. Since dropping about eight inches off of my waist, I no longer have anywhere to set my plate. I'm also seeing less of Betsy and Bertha.

Beth: Betsy and Bertha? Were they friends you liked to go out to eat with?
Beth: No. Betsy and Bertha were the names I gave to the blobs of goo on my lower back.

Beth: You named your lower back fat?
Beth: Yes. Gosh, it's been so long ago now. I can't remember if Betsy was the one on the left. I think she was.

Beth: Don't you think it's a little strange to name your body parts?
Beth: Not at all. I think it's charming.

Beth: Hm. I don't know. I think it's a little weird quite frankly.
Beth: Well, quite frankly, we're all a little offended by the insinuation that we're weird.

Beth: And who's this "we" that I've offended? You, Betsy and Bertha?
Beth: Not Bertha so much. She's pretty thick skinned. But Betsy is a little touchy. Droopy and Sags are a bit irked as well.

Beth: Okay, I apologize to the gelatinous blobs of goo on your body that you've chosen to personify. Let's change the subject.
Beth: That hardly sounds sincere.

Beth: That's because it wasn't. Now, I understand you have been working with a trainer. Do you ever feel self-conscious about that?
Beth: Only when I forget to shave my legs. Stubble really shows up well under fluorescent lights.

Beth: Do you have any embarrassing stories?
Beth: One time in third grade, I forgot to wear underwear and --

Beth: No, no. I meant about working out with a trainer.
Beth: Oh. You really should be more specific. Actually, there was this one time. We were doing core – that's what we gym rats call our abs. So, I'm doing a V-sit and all of that squeezing on my midsection kind of caused me to pass a little wind.

Beth: You farted?
Beth: Well, yes. But I was trying to be delicate. Apparently you'd rather be crude.

Beth: But I'm you. And you are usually kind of crude, aren't you?
Beth: I'm not sure where you're getting your information about me.

Beth: So, getting back to farting in front of your trainer. Was it audible?
Beth: No, but you could hear it.

Beth: Uh....
Beth: I was really glad I hadn't been eating anything garlicky that day.

Beth: Speaking of food. What kinds of foods do you eat to maintain your weight loss?
Beth: Well, lean meats and dairy. Vegetables of course. Salad. Fiber is really key. Most people don't get enough fiber.

Beth: Is it hard to find high-fiber foods that taste good?
Beth: Recently I found Fiber One Brownies. They're very good. Each one has 5 grams of fiber. The only thing is, when it comes to brownies, I like to eat three or four at a time.

Beth: Wow! That would mean you're eating 20 grams of fiber.
Beth: Yes. At that point, it's not so much a snack as it is a colon cleansing.

Beth: Would you recommend that people eat that kind of fiber at one sitting?
Beth: I don't think there are any health concerns about eating too much fiber. But I definitely wouldn't recommend that much fiber before you know you'll be doing core work with your trainer.

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