Beth TV

March 1, 2012 

I'm confident now, more than ever, that I can be hugely famous. Looking around at what's on TV, I realize that you don't have to have any actual talent, not to mention teeth, to be the star of your own television show. With this in mind, I have begun to develop an entire network's worth of TV shows, starring....me.

One of my biggest inspirations is going to be Keeping up with the Kardashians. Before I actually saw this show, I was under the impression that it was some vegan cooking show because I thought a Kardashian was a Brazilian tree nut. Then I tuned in accidentally one night and realized it was about a mother, her daughters, and their adopted sister. It wasn't until the third episode that I realized the adopted sister was Bruce Jenner. I bet he'll think twice before asking Kenny Rogers for a plastic surgeon referral again. He looks so bad, I think I'm going to have to lobby the Olympic committee to see about revoking his decathlon. Wheaties™ is going to have to scratch the commemorative series for sure.

In my show, we're going to be keeping up with my family. It's going to be called Hard Core Hoarding Swamp Truckers. I'm not sure when it will be ready because I'm having trouble convincing my dad to grow a mullet. My mom was a little reluctant at first as well. But she's totally on board since I promised to pay her a bonus every time she yells at me for leaving trash on the counter.

At some point there needs to be danger, preferably from some sort of reptile. However, there's no travel budget for venturing down to alligator territory, and apparently the zoo frowns upon people jumping into their display aquariums. So in the first episode, I had to settle for having a staring contest with my sister's gecko. This is much harder than it looks because I'm not even sure if geckos have eyelids. Also, my eyes get easily dried out because I always forget to properly hydrate.

One very special show is going to deal with my serious addiction to Splenda. You'll join me on my journey through the labyrinth of dark and seedy, baking aisles in grocery stores on my desperate search for artificial sweeteners. It's gripping stuff. That's only a build up to the even more riveting episode where several co-workers have an intervention to wrestle a tube of raw cookie dough out of my hands because they're concerned about the possibility of my getting salmonella from the uncooked eggs.

I've also managed to line up a therapist who specializes in cleaning disorders. She comes to my office and informs me that wiping my phone every day with a Swiffer Duster doesn't constitute actual cleaning. Then she argues with me about whether I really need to keep Christmas presents from the last five years stuffed into the back of my desk drawer. At the end of the day, she's still unable to convince me that the canister of sugar-free hot chocolate on my shelf is bad simply because it has an inch of dust on the lid. It's powder; it doesn't go bad. Besides, it happens to be loaded with Splenda, which I understand has a shelf-life of 57 years. (Incidentally, that's how long it takes for your liver to process it too.)

I'm especially pleased by my bounty hunting show that will be airing Wednesday nights. Again, due to lack of budget, the show won't have much bounty hunting. It's mostly going to be me staking out the express lane at the grocery store, watching for people with more than 12 items in their cart. There will be some gripping take downs though. Just because you throw a pack of gum on the conveyor belt at the last minute, doesn't mean that still isn't item number 13. Admittedly, it was probably harsh of me to make the elderly lady back her Hoveround™ out of the lane after swiping the 20 cans of cat food back into her shopping basket. In my defense, I let her off with only a warning. Actually, it was at that point that I learned I don't have the power to legally arrest anyone. My tribute to Dog the Bounty Hunter also backfired when people started begging me to button my shirt.

Another reality show that I found rather interesting involved Danny Bonaduce, child star of the '70's hit, The Partridge Family. I was really hoping to snag a big-name child star from a hit TV show for one of my shows. Once revenue picks up, I expect to get some better choices. But for now, I'm still kind of excited about what I was able to get. Clear your Thursday nights for my version of American Pickers. It's called Dumpster Diving with Skippy from Family Ties.

One particularly repugnant show that I would never want to replicate is called Toddlers and Tiaras, about stage mothers and their beauty contestant daughters. The exploitation of children is something I'm firmly opposed to. However, when it comes to my parents, I have no such qualms. That is why I'm pleased to announce the prime 8:00 Friday night time slot is reserved for Geezers and Girdles.

Unfortunately, there's no possible way I can touch on every subject I find worth pursuing. The list of reality shows is just too huge. But I couldn't set up a network without some sort of talent competition. So I'm pleased to announce that the final show in my lineup will be So You Think You Can Quilt, starring famous Washed up '70s TV Stars. Spoiler Alert! Eric Estrada wins in the first episode when he makes a patchwork quilt out of scraps of old Highway Patrol uniforms and trims it with shiny boot leather.

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