Beth for President

May 3, 2012 

It's official: I'm announcing my candidacy for President of the United States. I know it's a bit late compared to everyone else, but I've noticed that politicians have to touch people a lot during a campaign. That's why I decided to wait until after cold and flu season was over before hitting the trail. If there's going to be a lot of baby kissing, I wanted to limit my chances of getting the funk that's been going around. I don't know if anyone else has noticed this, but babies seem to put their hands in their mouths a lot. They also tend to just sneeze right into your face without any warning. Part of my healthcare reform will involve putting an end to that. I plan on having a fillibuster about babies and all of the disease spreading they do.

Before I do anything else, I plan on looking on the Internet to find out just what fillibuster means. It's very aggressive sounding though. As a female candidate, I figure I'll need to use aggressive sounding words to be taken seriously in such a male-dominated field. Along with tough rhetoric, I plan on wearing smart pantsuits and doing a lot of finger pointing. Nothing emphasizes a point quite like jabbing a finger toward something.

Since I have no formal political training, I've been watching my opponents closely for tips. It seems to be popular to promise to bring back things like manufacturing jobs and $2.00 gas. With this ploy in mind, if you elect me, I plan on bringing back switchboard phone operators and door-to-door encyclopedia salesmen.

Another idea I like is trying really hard to appeal to the common man. This seems to entail giving speeches while wearing a camouflage vest, holding a shotgun and saying "y'all" every so often. I also need to avoid using words like arugala and referring to my cadillacs. This should be much easier than the shotgun/camo idea. I'm not really sure what arugala is and I drive a 13-year-old Buick LeSabre. Even though Buicks are American made cars, I think it's best to refrain from saying LeSabre because it sounds too French. Are we still mad at the French? Just in case, I'm going to avoid anything that could sound like indirect support of the French.

Of course, the issues have to be the main thing. Immigration is a tough one. I think the big fence along the border isn't such a bad idea. I'd like to see something aluminum with a decorative lattice border running along the top. If we're going to have a fence running along the entire southern border of the country, it really should be something pretty to look at. Why stop at the southern border though? I think I'm just going to oppose foreigners entirely. The whole idea of a country made up of people from lots of other countries is just kooky talk anyway. My American ancestors – from Germany, England and Ireland – would be rolling over in their graves at the idea.

Speaking of foreigners, I realize that I have to start understanding things like how to find countries on a map. Italy is a big boot, right? I'm not necessarily sure if that's really important though. After all, the president has a plane. If I need to go somewhere, don't I just get on the plane and tell the pilot, "hey, let's fly to Russia"? As long as I can pronounce the name of whatever leader I'm meeting with and know whether he or she is a king, queen, emperor, president, dictator, supreme leader or whatever, things are good.

Another important decision that the president has to make is who to nominate for the Supreme Court, should a position open up. If elected, I will push very hard for Judge Judy. I say that if this woman can decide whether or not a woman owes her ex-boyfriend for half of the cost of obedience training for their American Bulldog, she certainly shouldn't have any problems tackling free speech and death penalty cases.

I feel I have a pretty strong jobs plan. For one thing, we'll need to hire a couple hundred thousand people to keep our border fences painted. If I can get the unions to make a few concessions allowing for $1 an hour sweatshops, I really do think I have a real shot at getting most of our manufacturing jobs back. I realize $1 an hour doesn't seem like much, but when you work 16 hours a day, seven days a week, it really can add up.

Education might be a bit problematic because of all of the budget deficits. With a little creative consolidation, I think I've found a way to combine fitness and education, therefore saving some money. My plan is called "No Left-Handed Child With a Big Behind". I can't lay it all out in this small article, but I can say that we'll save quite a bit of money by having children work out math problems by playing Hopscotch rather than using computers. As for the left-handed component, that's technically part of my healthcare plan. Left-handed people injure themselves quite frequently trying to use sharp things meant for right-handed people.

Other than that, my healthcare plan is pretty basic at this point. There's the left-handed thing and the mandate about making babies cover their mouths when they sneeze. If anyone should have any problems with the idea of mandating such a thing, they should know that I'm prepared to fillibuster anyone who gets in my way.

Strong plans aside, I realize I have an uphill battle ahead of me. Since I don't have much time and I've already blown most of my campaign funds on pantsuits, I will have to resort to smear campaigns and catchy songs. I'm trying really hard to get the classic song "Come On Eileen" from the 80's. I know it's sung by a British band, but I figure I'll at least ensure that everyone named Eileen will vote for me. It would also be a great help to me if I could dredge up a sex scandal or two. Fortunately, I'm quite handy with Photoshop, so that shouldn't be a problem. What I'm not exactly sure how to do is convince people that my opponents both plan on eliminating social security, school lunches and puppy dogs.

Belleville News-Democrat is pleased to provide this opportunity to share information, experiences and observations about what's in the news. Some of the comments may be reprinted elsewhere in the site or in the newspaper. We encourage lively, open debate on the issues of the day, and ask that you refrain from profanity, hate speech, personal comments and remarks that are off point. Thank you for taking the time to offer your thoughts.

Commenting FAQs | Terms of Service