You Are What You Wear

November 1, 2012 

Beth Wiesemann paper doll

I know what you’re thinking: We’re so far into Fall and I haven’t gotten around to writing my yearly fashion rundown. Don’t think I don’t take my role in the spotlight seriously when it comes to being a fashion role model for the modern woman. (Just a quick note: I have a boss, who’ll I’ll call “Melissa”, and right about now she’s probably just passed out after reading that second sentence. Wake up Melissa!)

For starters, I want to make a quick political statement. I know we’re about sick of politics at this point, but I feel this is important. I will be launching a petition to legally mandate that from now on, all denim related clothing must have at least 2% spandex in it. I’m not sure who would regulate this. I’m thinking the FDA or perhaps the Department of Tobacco, Alcohol and Firearms. That second idea is only because I often feel mad enough to shoot someone when I can’t get my jeans to zip up comfortably. Men don’t seem to have an issue with this. From time to time, I check out guys jeans, but I have to move along because they never have that stretchy feeling that I like. I know I’ve beaten this point to death before, but when men can’t zip up their pants, they just don’t pull them up as far.

As the warm weather fades away, I can tell you that my overall look throughout the summer months is pretty basic. The fashion gurus might even be so bold as to call it classic. Here’s the secret though. After I’ve gone through my whole morning routine, I look in the closet at my blue jeans. Well, maybe I dig through a pile in the basket on the floor with the laundry I never seem to get around to putting away. But that’s beside the point. Once I decide on dark blue or light blue, then I have my base for what kind of T-shirt I’m going to dig out of the drawer – or laundry pile. (Again, Melissa is probably cringing right now. She’s apparently a real stickler for things like putting stuff away in drawers and closets.) Anyway, the rule I always follow is that I like contrast. If I’m wearing dark blue jeans, I like a lighter T-shirt and vice versa.

Of course, there is one caveat to my T-shirt/jeans ensemble advice. I realize that most women can’t really wear T-shirts and jeans to work. My fashion advice to those women would be to wear some sort of dress. With nice shoes. And possibly some make-up. Perhaps jewelry of some sort that matches up with certain elements of your dress. I don’t know; I don’t really know much about dresses. I do know that you want to have a dress that’s long enough to cover everything up when you sit down. Most jobs women have entail a lot of sitting down. But I would caution anyone about wearing a dress that’s so long that you’re stumbling over it.

Colder weather is very exciting because of all the exciting sweater choices out there. I don’t actually wear sweaters. I just layer my T-shirts. But I do get excited about cold weather because of my huge collection of beanies. Not only are they warm, but they’re easy to find and relatively cheap as long as you don’t get fancy with them. Although, last year I did splurge a little on one that had a small bill on the front. This was especially excellent because it combined my love of baseball caps and beanies. Even more importantly, I like to have something that keeps the sun off of my face. With my family history of skin cancer, I can never be too careful.

What I can tell you about sweaters is that Melissa seems to be very excited about sweater weather. And I have to admit, she does have an exceptional collection of lovely knitted shirts, as I like to call them.

In an effort to give you a more well-rounded view of clothing, I popped onto Marie Claire Magazine online and tried to get a sense of what other fashion mavens like myself are contemplating wearing this year. As usual, the variety is pretty good if you’re anorexic, haven’t seen the sun in 2 years and are completely devoid of any discernible emotions whatsoever. I’m pleased to see that Max Factor still makes their depression line of cosmetics. Extreme ponytails also seem to be in. That’s a particular bright spot for me because I’ve decided to let my hair grow out since I finally figured out how to use those hair bands. That’s a very liberating hairdo. And by liberating, I mean I don’t have to do anything other than comb my hair after I get out of the shower. Sweet.

But moving onto shoes. It seems like little chunky booties are all the rage this year. I’m glad to see that designers are finally being practical here. If women are going to have their feet in Barbie Doll position all day, it’s a good idea to have a little extra ankle support. As for me, my shoe wear is confined to Converse Allstar tennis shoes. Again, I consider myself a classic. What’s more classic than basketball shoes worn by teenage boys in the 1950s? Right now, I’m sporting some snazzy gray One Stars. The beauty of this is they go nicely with both dark and light blue jeans.

What I’m really trying to convey here is that the main rule to follow with fashion at the end of the day is that you have to dress in a way that fits with your personality. Another rule is that you have to be wearing enough clothes to not be arrested for indecent exposure. Ultimately, if you subscribe to the idea that you are what you wear, think about what that might be. Based on this theory, I am an oversized pair of old sweatpants with a hole in the crotch.

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