Dad, you are just right

For the News-DemocratJune 16, 2013 

It is not too late to give Dad the perfect gift on this special day.

You've done well if you have already bought him golf balls or a summer shirt or tools that you can borrow, break and never tell him. Again.

Dads never have enough golf balls.

Or shirts that fit right. Not too baggy or too tight. Dad shirts. Untucked. Stick to solids.

But if you're still undecided, well, you don't need to borrow Dad's debit card to buy him a last-minute present because what he really wants this Father's Day won't cost you, or him, a penny.

Give Dad the Eddie Haskell Gift this Father's Day.

Eddie Haskell was Wally Cleaver's suck-up friend on the old "Leave It To Beaver " TV show. Eddie always had an overly kind word for Wally's mom and dad. Today is the one day of the year you can give Dad the Eddie Haskell Gift and get away with it.

No winks or grins.

No schemes.

Say it like you mean it, even if you're exaggerating a bit.

Here are examples of Eddie Haskell-like things you can say to Dad today and make him feel good about himself and fatherhood:

"Wow, Dad. Are you losing weight? You look great in those new shorts! "

"Hey, Dad. I saw a guy who said he went to high school with you. He told me what a great athlete and ladies' man you were back in the day."

"Dad, are you and Mom really the same age? You look much younger."

"Dad. I am going to go write my essay for class now. It's on my heroes. Guess who I'm writing about?"

"Please, please tell me that story again about how hard you have worked to get where you are in life. How nobody has ever given you anything for free in life. How kids today would not know a good day's work if it bit us in the butt while we were scratching it. I love that old story, especially when you tell it in front of my friends."

"Then tell us about your childhood, and playing sandlot baseball every day, and riding your bikes across town, and chasing down ice cream trucks after playing Kick-the-Can until the locusts hummed and street lights came on. I love that one."

"Do they still let players wear your old jersey number or did your alma mater retire it?"

"Dad, someday can you teach me to dance? You have such great rhythm."

"Tell me again about what Bob Gibson would do if he was pitching to hitters today who wear arm guards while batting."

"Go ahead. Take a nap. You deserve it because you work so hard. Snore as loud as you want. We can hear the game just fine from here."

"You should grow one of those soul patches under your lip. You'd look so tough and cool, like an actor."

"Come on, Dad. Teach me how to throw that Wiffle ball riser of yours again? It's unhittable."

"You know, Dad, you have been right all along. They just don't make music like they did in the 1970s."

"How do you play Indian ball anyway?"

"Mom is one lucky lady. You were a prize catch."

"Explain to me one more time: Why should Ted Simmons be in the Hall of Fame?"

"Dad, if you were not working so hard every day to support us, and could play golf every day, you'd be as good as those guys on TV."

"Your hair looks great. Less is more nowadays."

"I agree with you, Dad. "Freaks and Geeks" was the best TV show of all time that got cancelled after one season."

"Come on, Dad. Let's talk more politics and religion. I love it when you get so red-faced and your mouth starts to lather like Ol' Yeller. Shows your passion."

"Dad. stay just the way you are. Don't ever change. Please. YOU ARE PERFECT! You are my dad."

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