Bad felons make good

February 2, 2014 

Recently overheard at the St. Clair County Jail: "Psst, Lefty. I got me a sure-fire scheme to make us some quick cash."

"Really, Mugsy? What, a bank job? Stealing cars? Movin' some pharmaceuticals over da border?"

"Naw, ya dope. This is easier than that. We gonna sue The Man, claiming them jailers beat us."

"But Mugsy, they never hit us. In fact, you're in here for hittin' one a them."

"Yeah, that's the beauty of it. What I likes to call i-ron-E."

"Aww, Mugsy, I cain't afford no lawyer. I can't even make bail."

"Again, you fail to recognize my plan as the thing of beauty what it is. We don't need no lawyers. We is our own lawyers and just write a little note to the federal court. We gets to file free because we're poor victims of circumstance and society's foibles who is currently unfortunately and unjustly incarcerated. Heh-heh-heh."

"How we gonna win? Da county's got a flock of lawyers on retainer and on full-time salary and with part-time benefits? They's gonna slice us to ribbons in court."

"You dope. We don't go to court. They gonna roll over and settle because it's cheaper than fightin' us. We ain't gonna get a lot, but we'll get at least three liquor store robberies and seven chrome wheel heists worth a loot. Easier and better odds than the lottery."

"But Mugsy, I likes the lottery. I feels good giving back to all them little school kids...."

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