Saturday, Nov. 07, 2009

Random evidence of a cluttered mind . . .

People voted to elect a new city of Miami mayor Tuesday. Results were surprising, but you know what they say about politics being all about the timing.

"I'm honored and humbled," Mayor Ted Ginn Jr. said.

Analysts credit Ginn's catchy, if somewhat cumbersome, campaign slogan:

"I Won't Take Kick Backs - No Way. I'll Take Kicks Back - All The Way!"

Exit polls indicated voters also were impressed with Ginn's promise to balance the budget, lower the crime rate and occasionally get a little separation on the cornerback and then not drop the damn ball.

-Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter complained that Tom Brady gets preferential treatment from officials and has "his own rules." Joe, a small suggestion if I might: Less talking, more sacking.

-An article on ESPN.com posits that joining Dwyane Wade in Miami might be a seriously considered option for LeBron James next summer. Cannot confirm the writer's unnamed source might have been giddily wishful-thinking Pat Riley.

-It turns out layering wet newspapers under a bed of mulch significantly retards weed growth. Seriously. New hope for our industry! If I cannot enlighten or entertain you with pithy prose or astute commentary, at least let me help you fight crabgrass.

-The Miami men's basketball team, playing its first exhibition game Monday, is 56th in ESPN The Mag's preseason rankings. Is it too late to bring back Jack McClinton and claim it's his previously unknown younger twin brother?

-The Heat finally lost after starting 3-0. Cannot confirm that some of the 1972 Dolphins, apparently a bit confused, popped open champagne to celebrate.

-In hockey, the slow-starting Panthers actually had won three games in a row entering their weekend back-to-backer with Washington. No, seriously.

-The Yankees' World Series championship was their first since 2000, prompting a 16-year-old Bronx teen to recall faint memories of the club's previous title and lament the possibility he could be "practically an adult before they might ever win another one."

-After a ticker tape championship parade in New York on Friday, the Yankees were given the key to the city. Within hours, the city reported most of its jewelry was missing.

-Yankees-Phillies enjoyed strong TV ratings. Apparently, the only people who missed the World Series were the umpires working it.

-Phillies second baseman Chase Utley's five Series home runs tied Reggie Jackson's record. Jackson was "Mr. October." Does that make Utley "Mr. October-into-November?" "Mr. Octvember?"

-During the World Series, The Philadelphia Inquirer inadvertently published a three-quarter-page Macy's advertising congratulating the Phillies for their back-to-back titles. There was no immediate response from the White House or President Thomas E. Dewey.

-Marlins traded outfielder Jeremy Hermida to Boston for two young lefty pitchers. The trade leaves a big hole to fill, though, as Florida now seems suddenly lacking in chronically underachieving players.

-Alan Cohen reportedly is negotiating to step down after eight years as the Panthers' majority owner. Cohen's time as owner has been hugely successful if you don't count losing tons of money, watching the fan base erode and never making the playoffs.

-You think you had a bad week? Look on the bright side. You could be disgraced Fort Lauderdale attorney and accused scam artist Scott Rothstein.

-The Gators suspended defensive star Brandon Spikes from Saturday's Vanderbilt game for unsportsmanlike conduct. That's sort of like the New York Yankees being without Derek Jeter and somehow having to beat that Little League team anyway.

-Alabama hosted LSU in Saturday's college game of the day. That's when the fans who hate Nick Saban were cheering against the fans who don't hate Saban yet but will some day.

-The playoff hopes of Brett Favre and the Minnesota Vikings took a hit this week when the NFL denied the team's request to continue playing the Packers every week.

-Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum was busted for pot possession. In other shocking news, the sun came up today.

-NASCAR is faced with an anticlimactic Chase for the Cup finale at Homestead later this month, with Jimmie Johnson leading comfortably and seeming destined for a fourth consecutive season championship. Officials are considering ways to even the field, but worry there might be safety issues if they follow through with plans to require Johnson to enter the final race driving a No. 48 golf cart.

-In Saturday's 26th Breeder's Cup at Santa Anita, Zenyatta tried to become the first female horse to win the race. Unfortunately, Zenyatta was late for the starting gate after being delayed in the barn trying on several saddle silks until settling on a color combination that didn't make her hips look fat.

-The group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has protested Manu Ginobili swatting at that bat during an NBA game. I tried to slap a mosquito on my arm the other day but missed; now PETA picketers have charged me with attempted murder.

-The University of Central Florida lost its adidas contract because Michael Jordan's son, a freshman basketball player, insisted on wearing Nike sneakers. You have heard of putting the team first? Does not apply in all cases, apparently.

-Journeyman Doug Barron became the first PGA Tour golfer suspended for using performance-enhancing drugs. Considering he has never won on tour, um, I don't think the drugs worked.

-The World Series of Posers, I mean Poker, is down to its final table. I'm going to take a wild guess and say the winner will be some jerk wearing sunglasses.

-The Major League Soccer playoffs are under way, according to rumors.

-Using the drug crystal meth? It was the second-worst thing Andre Agassi did in the 1990s, trailing only that awful mullet hairstyle he used to wear.

-Bumper sticker I'd like to see: "Honk If You've Been Punched By Tom Cable."

-Bumper sticker I'd like to see, Part II: "Honk If You've Been Pummeled By a New Mexico Women's Soccer Player."

-Cable, the Raiders' coach, should be suspended while the team investigates his alleged history of violent behavior toward women, said a spokesperson with the National Organization for Women. Cable responded by punching the spokesperson.

-After being suspended for that "out having a taco" crack, shouldn't Bob Griese at least get a Taco Bell endorsement deal out of it?

-That reminds me. This is really bizarre. It has been more than a week now since an ESPN employee has been disciplined for some sort of embarrassing misconduct.

-Florida State defensive coordinator Mickey Andrews said he will step down after the season to spend more time with his family. I think what he really wants is to spend less time with his lousy defense.

-Wal-Mart now sells caskets. I guess that's in case you get in one of those really long, incredibly slow lines and don't want to chance surviving it.

-Parting thought: Brain cell-killing concussions are becoming an increasing problem in the NFL. Several former players who suffered chronic concussions planned to organize to raise awareness, but they forgot.