OK, I survived Christmas, got a new supply of socks and underwear, didn’t make any gift-giving faux pas (pardon my French), and even got to sing Adeste Fideles (pardon my Latin) with a few hundred other people at midnight Mass.
Now it’s on to the New Year, and everybody seems to be making resolutions like they’re going out of style. By Jan. 3, many already have broken theirs. Before you set yours in stone for 2016, though, you might want to consider this little ditty I saw in a newsletter that arrived on my desk:
New Year’s Resolution
2004: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
Never miss a local story.
2005: I will work out five days a week.
2006: I will work out two days a week.
2007: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
When it comes to resolutions, just remember: It’s not whether you keep them or not, it’s how you play the game. Here are a few of my resolutions that might have needed a little tinkering over the years.
Resolution No. 1
2013: I will share the household chores 50-50 with my spouse.
2014: I will mop the kitchen floor every other week.
2015: I will remove my shoes when I come in the door.
2016: I will sweep all freshly cut toenails under the couch.
Resolution No. 2
2013: I will floss my teeth, top and bottom, every night before bedtime.
2014: I will brush after every meal.
2015: I will chew more Dentyne.
2016: I will make a dentist appointment in January.
Resolution No. 3
2013: I will take on new responsibilities at work.
2014: I will ask for a raise.
2015: I will stand up to my boss.
2016: I will think about finding a new job.
Resolution No. 4
2013: Fly to Paris to see the Eiffel Tower
2014: Cruise to the Caribbean to veg on the beach.
2015: Go to spring training in Florida to see the Cardinals.
2016: Drive through Aviston to see Christmas lights.
Resolution No. 5
2013: Watch four hours of educational programming each week.
2014: Watch two Discovery Channel documentaries a month.
2015: Record Bill O’Reilly’s “Killing Reagan.”
2016: Watch “The Big Bang Theory” each week and send a $10 donation to the PBS telethon.
Resolution No. 6
2013: I will cut my calorie intake in half.
2014: I will eat more spinach.
2015: I will order green pepper on my pizzas instead of pepperoni.
2016: I will not squirt Reddi-Wip directly into my mouth after each bite of pie.
Resolution No. 7
2013: I will save $100 a week.
2014: I will save $50 a week.
2015: I will leave smaller tips.
2016: I will check the sofa and La-Z-Boy cushions weekly for lost change.
Resolution No. 8
2013: I will do 200 sit-ups a day.
2014: I will do 100 tummy crunchers a week.
2015: I will have six-pack abs by the end of the year.
2016: I will buy a six-pack with the refund I get from sending back my Abs-of-Iron machine if I am not 100 percent satisfied with the results.
Resolution No. 9
2013: I will get organized.
2014: I will save all my receipts for taxes.
2015: I will sort my sock drawer.
2016: I will look for my 2015 list resolutions.
Resolution No. 10
2013: Stop cussing
2014: Try to control my road rage.
2015: Learn to take criticism well.
2016: Tell the @#*%@&s to get off my back.
Resolution No. 11
2013: Learn to play the piano.
2014: Sign up for piano lessons.
2015: Have my family’s hearing checked.
2016: Sell the piano.
Resolution No. 12
2013: Try to improve my concentration.
2014: Do Sudoku puzzles in ink.
2015: Do long division on paper once a week.
2016: Now, where did I put that 2013 resolution again?
Resolution No. 13
2013: I will stop procrastinating.
2014: I will write my column two weeks in advance so I always have one in the bag.
2015: I will finish my column at least an hour before the Sunday paper is printed.
2016: I will fin