Sunday, Oct. 25, 2009

A-hunting we will go ...

For the record, I have never been hunting for wild game, with a gun.

Once, many springs ago, I used a water hose and hoe to eliminate two moles that were tearing up my front yard. I felt a rugged sense of accomplishment after I conquered those little grub eaters.

Fact is, I have never shot a gun at any living creature, either. I have fired a rifle only if you count the riflery activities at Camp Ondessonk. Pop, pop, pop. I'm not sure if I ever hit a target. On to archery. Then canoes.

Growing up, we didn't have firearms in our home except for a silver pellet gun Dad kept tucked away on his closet shelf.

Once, I snuck the family pellet pistol to the backyard. It had as much pop as a spitwad shot through a hollowed-out Bic pen. I aimed at the carport wall. It did not leave a mark.

Like my non-hunting father before me, I enjoy the woods most from a distance. I respect hunting but I have never hunted myself. Probably because hunters usually hunt early in the morning. We Mackins don't look for things to do early in the morning, generally.

But I have to admit, this time of year, I get a little jealous of guys preparing for deer hunting season.

It's their personal holiday weekend. They plan their life schedules around it. Nothing personal or professional gets in the way.

Hunting sounds like a great excuse to head south to a place your family still believes does not have cell phone reception.

I figure hunting is a lot like golf trips when the fun isn't necessarily only the golf itself but the pre- and post-golf activities.

From what I can see, hunting has become like golf, too, because it can be as much about the clothes and equipment as it is about the sport itself.

"Get a deer?"

"Naw."

"Too bad. Nice Under Armour camo jacket and ear warmers."

"Thanks, dude. Cabella's. Clearance. Spring '08. A steal."

So what if I suddenly decided to go deer hunting next month. How should I prepare? I asked a few hunter friends. None volunteered to take me along. They know me too well. Besides, they all have their own traditions. Hunting snobs. Who needs them, right?

Certainly there's a need for more deer hunters. Never have I seen so many deer in established neighborhoods. Last season, in Illinois, hunters bagged 188,445 deer, a 38 percent increase from 1999. That's a lot of sausage.

Here are some tips from guys who like hunting enough to know they don't want a rookie like me tagging along with them this fall:

* I would need an official state hunting license. I think you need a license nowadays for everything except parenthood. That's a column for another day.

* Equipment-wise, I would need my own rifle. Never ask to borrow a guy's hunting gun, I was warned. Choose my make and size. Telescopic sights will come in handy. Definitely, I'd have a scope because it would look cool on my gun.

* Clothing-wise, I should dress in layers. Bring a sweatshirt, hunting jacket, heavy socks and gloves, wool cap and good footwear. Bring a rain suit or rain jacket. It's a lot like dressing for outdoor football games, but no team jerseys.

* Gear-wise, I'd need a duffle bag and soft gun case. Consider a digital GPS or compass. I'd go GPS. It's cooler than your compass, Old School.

* Wear sun screen and a hat to avoid sun burn. Thanks, Mom.

* A flashlight, insect repellent and binoculars come in handy. Don't forget snacks and personal toiletries. A man can live without snacks for a day or so. A day without toilet paper will send him to the nearest Drury Inn.

* Leave a hunting plan with a friend relative. When you don't return on time, your family knows where to send a search team.

* Don't hunt on private property without permission. "No Trespassing" signs mean no hunting, too. "No Littering" means pick up all your snack wrappers even though you're in the woods.

* Finally, be familiar with the terrain where you hunt, and here's a reason good reason why:

Apparently, someone forgot to warn the deer around Belk Park Golf Course in Wood River about the water hazards. Last week, course employees found the bodies of two large whitetail bucks floating in the pond near Hole 16, according to the Associated Press.

Apparently, the two bucks locked antlers during a battle for dominance and breeding rights. They tumbled into the water, where they drowned. One of the bucks was an 18-pointer, while the other was a 10-pointer. Both weighed about 200 pounds.

Of course, as we married guys discussed, there's a life lesson here for you single hunters and non-hunters alike: If you're fighting over a female, before you lock horns, always know exactly where you stand.