Dear Moms: We know you see through us, but really appreciate the fact that you pretend you don’t.
You ate those crusty, black pancakes and waited until we weren’t looking before hitting the bathroom.
You smiled at the 5-minute art project that left a palette of marker stains on our bed sheets.
You know we spent 38 percent more on that last-minute online gift purchase.
Never miss a local story.
The $21.4 billion in gifts we offer today, in order, of jewelry, brunch, flowers and cards are small compared to the gift of life and then putting up for a minimum of 18 years with all our — sorry, Moms, but the word fits — crap.
So whether you be tatted and dreaded or wear pearls with your apron, we have an idea for a better gift this year.
Nearly two-thirds of the new moms this year have jobs in addition to caring for kids and a home. But you still earn a median of $37,791 a year at full-time jobs compared to American dads earning $49,398 on average.
We’d like to give you a raise.
Still, we all know how difficult that can be. Some of your unrealized earnings can be blamed squarely on us — being born, getting sick and having that select team game in Pinckneyville.
We know your love is not for sale, but a little more equity cannot hurt. Until further notice we’re accelerating our Mother’s Day spending on you by 30 percent by dropping our spending on a different parental holiday. Sorry, Dad.
And thank you, Mom.