Monday, Jul. 06, 2009

Tips for boosting dad's profile on child matters

It's a pet peeve of many fathers these days: On a family outing to the pediatrician's office, the staff there speaks only to the mother. No one's outright rude, but he's dealt with as a polite observer rather than a full-fledged participant.

Or parents go shopping for baby items and the salesperson focuses solely on what the mother might want to buy. It's a bit like dad is invisible.

For fathers who find frequent invisibility frustrating, there are a few subtle solutions for raising awareness:

Approach it as a team

"Agree in advance to divide up the questions you're going to ask" during meetings with childcare providers or medical appointments, says Claudia Strauss, a family communications expert and lecturer at Albright College in Reading, Pa.

During the appointment, "when the husband is asking a question or raising a point, the mother looks at him," she says, because if the mother is focusing on the father, others in the room likely will, too.

"The mother can also turn to the father and say, 'What's your take on this?' or 'What did you notice?' or turn to the doctor and say, 'I'm not the one with observations on this. He is."'

Also, make sure mom isn't unwittingly serving as a "gatekeeper between children and father," says Erin Boyd-Soisson, an associate professor of human development and family science at Messiah College in Grantham, PA. "Fathers often times don't take control in these types of situations because mothers, unintentionally, often times don't let them."

Repeat the question

No one wants to alienate their child's doctor or daycare provider by complaining. But when medical or safety questions aren't being answered, parents have to intervene. If fatherhood blogger Greg Allen's questions are ignored during a pediatric checkup, he calmly but directly repeats his question again at the end of the visit. It can be awkward, but necessary.

Keep the calendar

"Mothers tend to be the schedulers of daycare and doctor's appointments, so it makes sense that those dealing with parents tend to talk to mothers," says Boyd-Soisson. Fathers who want a higher profile with the pediatric office staff can take over scheduling duties and sign their child in upon arrival.

Tell them your name

Many fathers loathe simply being called "Dad" at their child's daycare center, especially if their wives are referred to by name. Try saying "you're welcome to call me by my first name ..." to encourage the staff to use it. Use direct communication, says Boyd-Soisson, delivered "in a nice way but sort of a firm way."

Speak their language

Salespeople are trained to assess customers' needs and try to meet them, says Strauss. "If you're out buying baby clothes or furniture, you can say, 'Hey, we're both really involved in the day-to-day, so this has to work for both of us.'" If you make it clear that both parents are customers with different needs, a good salesperson will address you both equally.

-- Melissa Rayworth, For The Associated Press