And the Oscar for best male actor in a leading role goes to — Barack Hussein Obama for his performance in the announcement of his latest gun control scam. The crowd roars, there’s dancing in the streets, fireworks streak into the air. “Best performance in history by a president,” says the New York Times. “The phony tears lent unprecedented authenticity to a masterful performance,“ swoon’s the LA Times.
“No one else but ‘the chosen one’ could have pulled this off,” gushes the Washington Post. “Epic, monumental, masterful,” says Slithery Clinton. “He raised the bar for all future presidents.”
Speaking of which, after the performance, Slithery had better step up her game when it comes to garnering sympathy from her adoring fans. When whining about her abuse as a woman by those evil Republicans last week, she only got slightly misty in the eyes. In the future, may I recommend hysterical sobbing, hand-wringing, and snot-slinging on your part if you want to crack the starting lineup madam.
Meanwhile, I just can’t continue. I am now just a trembling mass of emotional Jello, from watching these two masters at work. I am now forced to withdraw to my safe space, to contemplate my white privilege, and try to figure out which pronoun best describes me.
That is all, good night!
Roddy D. Riggs, Highland