Etiquette: Hey, graduate, did you get our check?

Q. We sent a check inside a graduation card to my cousin, who graduated from high school in late May. He and his family live in another state. We couldn’t go to the graduation or attend the party, so we sent a card. Just got our end-of-month bank statement and the check has not been presented yet. We have not received a thank-you card either. We’re beginning to wonder if he got the card? Should I call his mother? I don’t want to embarrass anyone, but we do want to know if he got the card and the check.

A. Yes, it is perfectly correct for you to call this young graduate’s mother to find out if he received your card and the check. Hopefully, your call will precipitate a call back from this young man, thanking you for the card and the check, followed immediately by a handwritten thank-you card or note.

Q. What is the proper way to handle this situation without hurting a lot of feelings? My husband and I were at a charity event where there were a lot of silent and oral auction items. We had brought another couple with us who were our former neighbors. We’ve been good friends for a long time. We were standing together as my husband bid on an item, which included an island trip for four with all the amenities including golf, boating, etc. Somehow during this bidding process, we laughed and joked about what a neat trip “for us” if he wins the bid.

Well, my husband won the trip. Bidding went on to something else and the evening activities went on. As they got out of the car when we dropped them off, she cheerfully said to let them know when they should start packing for the trip. We really had no idea they were serious and we laughingly told them we would. The following week, when my husband got all the details (of the trip), we decided to invite this couple who stood up for us when we got married and whom we have always considered our best friends. They could never afford a trip like this otherwise.

Next thing you know, I get a call from our former neighbor asking us to go to dinner with them. After we set the date and place, she added a final comment that we would be able to talk about the details of the upcoming trip. Are we obligated to take them with us? Or can we take this other couple? How do we politely tell them they got the wrong impression? Besides, they have gone on trips like this before themselves and could afford to go any time they wanted. We’re going out to dinner next weekend, so I need some advice, please.

A. It is unfortunate when casual social comments suddenly become “written-in-concrete” statements depending on the outcome of the situation. In this case, there was a positive benefit for those making the casual comment. However, from the information you provided, it definitely does not appear you are obligated to take this couple with you on this trip, for which you made the winning bid.

In order to preclude any further misconceptions, simply be straightforward and honest with this couple when you have dinner with them. Rather than saying something to them to the effect that they jumped to an incorrect conclusion, offer a statement like this: “We apparently owe you an apology concerning this trip for four we recently won. We’re sorry if the excitement of the event allowed us to give you the wrong impression. While we would certainly enjoy your company on a trip like this, we have decided to invite the couple who stood up for us at our wedding to join us. They could never afford a trip like this and we have not been able to see them for several years.” By saying this, you have put any blame on yourselves, not this couple. Then move on to another subject and enjoy the evening together.

This story was originally published July 12, 2015 at 3:10 AM with the headline "Etiquette: Hey, graduate, did you get our check?."