Do you ever talk to yourself?

“Who are you talking to, Michelle?”

“Who do you think I’m talking to, Mark?”

It’s Friday night and I am alone in our bedroom. Just me and a “Dateline” marathon. My husband thinks it’s weird I talk to the television. But if I don’t rat out the bad guy, he might get away with it.

And therein lies the problem.

“You just can’t stand the fact it’s always the husband who did it,” I tell Mark, who’s in the next room. I don’t have to yell. The man has supersonic hearing. I thought this was cool when I married him. Anymore? Not so much.

“It’s not always the husband who did it, Michelle. Sometimes it’s the wife. But either way, it’s weird to talk to the TV.”

“Yeah, well, it’s also weird to eavesdrop on someone who’s talking to the TV.”

I turn my attention back to the killer. I know who did it because I have seen this episode three times. And every time, I am amazed at how lucky he is. Seriously, with the advent of DNA testing, cell phone tower pinging and hidden cameras, how does anyone get away with anything these days?

The only exception might be talking to oneself — or self-talking, as I like to call it. My favorite place to “self-talk” is when I’m alone in the car. I used to get caught by other drivers at traffic lights. Then someone invented Bluetooth and now everyone thinks I’m talking on the phone.

There are a lot of us self-talkers out there. All these years, did you really think we were singing along to the car radio? Or talking to someone you couldn’t see in the backseat? Nope. We were members of a secret society — an exclusive club of Talk-to-Yourselfers that went public when hands-free phones hit the road.

Oh, don’t roll your eyes. You talk to yourself, too. And I bet you do it on a daily basis.

“Shoot! Where did I leave those car keys?”

“Oh, God, I forgot to turn off the stove!”

Yep, that counts. So does telling the family pet your problems. And holding a one-sided conversation with your husband when he’s reading the newspaper or watching sports on TV.

Just admit it. We all do it sometimes. Heck, who wouldn’t enjoy conversing with someone who values their opinion above all others?

A side note to self-talking is something I did just the other night: While walking out to my car in a dark, deserted parking lot, I held a very loud and animated conversation with myself. It was intended to scare off any bad guys. It obviously worked since I lived to write this column.

Which brings us back to that Friday night “Dateline” marathon. When Mark came to bed, he asked if the dogs needed to be walked. He knew the answer was yes since they hadn’t left my side throughout the evening. But he wanted to hear me say it.

“You know I worry about you walking the dogs in the dark,” he said, crawling in under the covers. “There are lots of hungry coyotes out there.”

“Awww, that’s sweet of you,” I said. “Are you worried the pups will get grabbed?”

“Actually, it’s you I worry about,” he said. “If a coyote dragged you off, they might never find your body.”

“And?”

“And they always blame the husband,” he said and grinned.

It’s good to know he listens sometimes.

This story was originally published April 22, 2017 at 8:00 AM with the headline "Do you ever talk to yourself?."