Metro-East Living

New car, robot vacuum cleaner help define the current ‘state of Wally’

In keeping with the spirit of the political times, here is my State of the Wally address.

Unlike the State of the Union address, no need for any fact checking on this one. Trust me.

When I was little I always thought State of the Union was kind of like player of the year. I remember asking why they even had such a thing since John Kennedy undoubtedly would pick his home state of Massachusetts.

But anyway, I am proud to say that the new and dedicated Wally administration is well on the way to restoring the Wally greatness that previous administrations have allowed to slip into a second-rate status. I don’t have any hats yet, but the bumper stickers are on order.

The WBA (Wally Bank Account) is growing at a slow, but steady rate. Social Security provided a raise. I’m not sure if that was enough to make up for any increases in Medicare Part B and D premiums or supplemental insurance. Like the government, we will ignore any numbers and call it good or at least revenue neutral.

2020 Wally Spiers
Wally Spiers

The WWW (What Wally Wants) index reached an all-time high last year with the purchase of a new car, a new robotic vacuum cleaner and a new upholstery steamer, among sundry other items. Who knows what might be next? A new suit perhaps? It does seem that I buy a new car and a new suit about every 10 years or so.

Leisure time also has been enhanced with this new little vacuuming robot that runs around willy-nilly across the floors, bumping into things, backing up, and swerving in crazy patterns. If only it knew how to empty itself. But I can watch it for hours.

Another milestone birthday has passed, with the WAI (Wally Age Indicator) reaching the magic double sixes. Actually that doesn’t get me anything but 66 is just a cool looking number, I think. We’ll see how 77 looks one of these days.

The NPI (Neighborhood Peace Index) is high as relations with the Wally neighbors are good, we think. No need for a new fence anyway.

The Wally infrastructure is looking better. We had the dining room and living room redone and also had my neck remodeled so that vertebrate no longer press on nerves and cause pain.

While the WWI (Wally Work Index) has been reduced to writing columns twice a month, we’d like to think that WQ (Wally Quality) has doubled so that there is just as much pure Wally out there as before. It is safe to say that there certainly has been no drop off in the Wally BS (no explanation needed) index anyway.

Despite warnings and attempts to cut back, the WFFC (Wally Fast Food Consumption) numbers remain ominously high. A steady increase in the CCCPI (Chocolate Chip Cookie Production Index) has also contributed to a slightly more bloated Wally. But nothing dangerous yet. Or so our doctor assures us.

Best of all, the Wally quality of life gauge is full up. With January gone, there is only February to slog through before spring starts to show and helps lift Wally to heretofore unseen heights.

As always, responsible opposing viewpoints are welcome.

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