Metro-East Living

One good way to mess up retirement is to get another job. No thanks, I’ll pass.

Wally Spiers
Wally Spiers

One of the really great perks of retirement is the freedom from regular work.

No, duh, you might say, but some employment numbers reported the other day have me worried about my freedom. Apparently American companies are creating jobs faster than they can find people to fill them.

What if, in true desperation, they come looking for me for help?

Now, I have absolutely no qualifications for any job except what I am doing now, writing and trying to make people laugh. But still some people keep bugging me to work at other things.

Facebook insists on telling me that there are jobs out there just begging for my attention. I’m lounging in my desk chair, scrolling through sites on the Internet looking at sports stories and funny animal videos and job offers keep popping up. I don’t know who is sending them to me, but I wish they would stop.

I don’t want to be a concrete laborer, not even for $20 an hour, which is one potential offer. I watched someone pour a patio in my backyard once and that was as close to concrete work as I need to be. And then the job notice mentions at the end that there would be concrete removal included and I shudder and scroll on.

I’m not going to be a maid/housekeeper. I try to avoid that in my own house. The ad tells me it is a good opportunity to get out of the house. I figure that if getting out of my house involves cleaning someone else’s house, why bother?

There’s food service work. And retail, too. No thanks.

I thought maybe I could fill the job offering for a hair model, but it will take three full days. Who wants to make that kind of a long-term commitment? They need one guy with hair at least two inches long with a slender build who is open to getting a stylish cut. It does pay $800 but I doubt they want someone with my extreme receding hairline.

Someone needed a market research consultant. I could consult. I wouldn’t be right, but I could give advice.

And perhaps my least favorite was the ad for a personal shopper. I don’t like to shop for myself, and in order to make the $30 an hour they are talking about in the ad, you need to be organized and energetic, neither of which was ever mentioned on any of my many employment evaluations through the years.

Still, Bloomberg News Service reports that the jobs posting in July exceeded the number of employed people by 659,000. So it seems I will have to try hard to avoid getting shanghaied into some job sometime, somewhere.

I get nervous just seeing all those fast-food places advertising on their marquees that they are “now hiring.”

Then again, maybe they would want to hire a proof reader. I do like to read.

Wally Spiers: