P’s and Q’s for meeting boyfriend’s family Christmas Day

Q. My boyfriend has invited me to go with him to his parents’ home on Christmas Day. He tells me they open presents early in the morning, have a late breakfast, and then dinner later in the afternoon. It’s about an hour’s drive so we have to leave by 6 a.m.

I have never met them before, or his siblings who will be there, nieces and nephews, grandparents — the whole family. I am nervous to say the least and have a couple of questions which are stressing me out and I don’t have answers for, so I would appreciate your advice because I want to make a good impression:

My boyfriend says I should dress “casual but nice” and maybe bring a change of clothes if they decide to go walking in the woods near their home in the afternoon. So, what does that mean “casual but nice”? I mentioned wearing a skirt and sweater with leggings, short boots and he said, he didn’t think a skirt was necessary but if I wanted to, “fine.”

I feel more comfortable in a skirt than pants, so what do you think is more appropriate? I will bring jeans, pullover sweater and a thick hooded sweatshirt for the walk, plus outside weather boots, so that is not an issue.

• Do I take some kind of gift for his mother or some kind of food item for the breakfast or dinner, or some kind of snack for the afternoon, or evening?
• Should I offer to help with the breakfast, dinner and cleanup or since I am a first-time guest, would that be considered too forward?
• Do I take off my shoes at the front door?
• I am not crazy about most stuffings or dressing, especially if it has mushrooms in it. If I see mushrooms, can I pass on taking some? I’m not crazy about jello salads with cranberries in them. Can I pass on that, too?
• I will be sure to say thank you when we leave, but should I also send a handwritten thank you the next day or will that be overkill?
• How do I address his mom? Can I use her first name?

A. First of all, it is important for you to be comfortable and feel good about what you choose to wear. The sweater and skirt, etc, sounds perfect. It definitely fits the “nice” category, but not too dressy and it is still considered casual. It is also stylish.

• I would suggest you take a small bouquet of flowers in a vase for your boyfriend’s mother. Something which can be set on a coffee table or an end table. I say small bouquet because she may already have a centerpiece for her dining table; therefore, if you brought a floral centerpiece, she might feel she has to put yours on her table instead of what she has already decided to use. You do not want to put her in that position. A small bouquet of flowers can be placed anywhere without causing her any stress.
• You might also consider taking a box of candy which she could share with the other guests later in the day, or, if you feel like baking some cookies, you could take some of those, pre-plated on a nice serving plate with a doily. She could serve these later in the afternoon or in the evening. Having them ready to serve saves her the time and stress of finding another serving plate and doily and plating them herself.
• Just because you are a first-time guest, does not mean you cannot “offer” to help with the breakfast, dinner and cleanup. The important thing is to listen to what she says after you ask. If she says, no thank you, then relax and enjoy being spoiled, and remember that some women get more stressed by having too many “helpers”, especially “new helpers” in her kitchen, so don’t take it personally.
• You need not remove your shoes at the front door, unless your boyfriend removes his shoes or you see a long row of shoes when you enter. This is a question your boyfriend should be able to answer prior to leaving. Do, however, remove your outside weather boots before re-entering the house if you go for the afternoon walk in the woods.
• Do not take a “pass” on any food item your boyfriend’s mother has prepared — unless it is something to which you have an allergy. Take a small amount and try it. If you see a mushroom in the dressing, just slide it to the edge of your plate with your fork and don’t make a big deal about it. Many jello salads with cranberries are delicious but you won’t know unless you try it. Every cook likes to see her guests at least trying each dish she prepares. Each cook likes to her compliments about her cooking.
  
  
• Yes, in addition to verbally thanking your boyfriend’s parents when you leave, it would be very nice to write a thank you the next day.
• Your boyfriend’s mother is “Mrs. Smith” unless she tells you to use her first name.

Lastly: Enjoy the day and try not to be tense. Watch your table manners. Above all: Do not play the “clinging girlfriend.”