Hark, Harold, do you hear what I hear?

It’s a most wonderful time of the year.

I knew that long before Steve and Edie told me so at the grocery store, when my call was put on hold, in a Mexican restaurant, in the mall, at the drive-up bank window and even in the locker room.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a big fan of Christmas music. I like religious songs, Santa songs, snow songs and even the gimmicky songs. (What’s not to like about the Barking Dogs’ rendition of “Jingle Bells”?) But I like to listen to them on my own terms. Not before Thanksgiving. And only when I can make the dogs stop barking when I want them to stop.

Two-and-a-half weeks before Christmas, there are already signs I’ve had an overdose of Christmas music.

My car was making one of those noises that cars make only when you are driving alone. So I took it to the shop. The mechanic took it out for a spin while I listened to Christmas carols back in the waiting room.

“Do you hear what I hear?” I asked melodically.

Of course not.

“What did it sound like?” he asked.

We ruled out a “clang-clanging.” No, it wasn’t a “tap-tap-tap.” And not exactly a “ka-thump, ka-thump.”

That’s when I got inspired.

“It was more of a pa-rum-pa-pum-pum ... rum-pa-pum-pum ... rum-pa-pum-pum.”

The noise went away. I think the mechanic was glad I did, too.

“The Twelve Days of Christmas” comes in handy for me throughout the season. Say, for example, when I’m ordering doughnuts:

“I’ll have a dozen chocolate sprinkles,

eight cream-filled long johns ...

five golden glazed ...

four vanilla iced,

three French twists,

two turtle danish ...”

“Will that be all, sir?”

(Go ahead and sing along here) “... and a partridge in a pear tree.”

Christmas songs take me back to my childhood. We had a stack of old 78-rpm Christmas records that had all the classics, such as “Nuttin’ for Christmas” by Barry Gordon, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” by Jimmy Boyd and “All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth” by every kid in my first-grade class.

I liked the “Two Front Teeth” number where the kid whistles through all his S’s. I used to mimic him, much to the disssmay of my SSSissster SSSisss who isssisssted I ssstop asss sssoon asss posssible or she’d ssscream.”

That’s when Pop would stick “Nuttin’ for Christmas” on the turntable. And pretty soon, we’d be nuttin’ but good.

“Deck the Halls” is one of my favorites. But I suspect that once upon a time “Deck the Halls” had a lot more words. Then, over the years, people like me forgot a lot of the words so they just stuck in all those fa-la-la-la-las to keep the melody going. I guess you could say they weren’t playing with a full deck. I do the same thing in the shower with the Johnny Mathis hit “Chances Are” “... you wear a silly grin .... fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ...”

I like “Hark the Herald” just because we don’t use the word “hark” enough these days. It’s a great word. “Hark, honey, I’m home.” “Hark, Harold, the phone is ringing.” “Hark, that &%#@# cut me off at the intersection.” Hark would add a little class to the world.

“Every time I hear “We Three Kings,” I harken back to the way we sang it in grade school. “We Three Kings of Orient are, Smoking on a Loaded Cigar, It was loaded, It exploded ...” then we switched over to “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.” I try to stick to the traditional version when it comes up at church, though.

I like the traditionals like “Jingle Bells” but I don’t like when people try to improve on it with “Jingle Bell Rock,” for example. I prefer “O Tannenbaum” to “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” and “Joy to the World” before Three Dog Night put the fishes in the deep blue sea in it back in ’71.

And I haven’t had the same feelings for “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” since he ran over Grandma comin’ home from our house Christmas Eve.

“Let It Snow” was our theme song back in grade school. Anything to get out of math and English for a day or two. I’d always dream of “White Christmas,” too, even if it didn’t get us out of any school.

But it’s “Blue Christmas” that I can’t get out of my head. It’s not Elvis crooning about having “a blue Christmas without you.” Or Willy Nelson whining about it or LeeAnn Rimes singing it with a tear in her voice. It’s the Porky Pig version — “I’ll have a ba-ba-ba-balue Cuh-Cuh-Cuh-Christm-m-m-mas wi-wi-without ya-ya-you ...”

The-The-That’s all, f-folks.

This story was originally published December 5, 2015 at 9:02 AM with the headline "Hark, Harold, do you hear what I hear?."