Etiquette: Niece and fiance are hunting for trouble

Q: As a Christmas gift for my niece, my husband and I decided to get tickets for her and her fiance and us to a local upscale Christmas theater event. Taking them to a nice restaurant before the performance was also part of our gift. I checked the date with her several times before we purchased the tickets over a month ago because they usually sell out in a hurry. Since the tickets are expensive, we wanted to get good seats. After we purchased the tickets, I called and told her what time we would pick them up, where and when we had dinner reservations at what time, and what time the performance started. She sounded excited and said they were looking forward to the evening with us and how much they appreciated this wonderful gift.

She called one morning and asked me if we could change the tickets and all go some other night because her fiance is going hunting that day with some of his friends and won’t be back in time. It threw me for a loop and I stuttered around a bit. Before I could say really anything, she said, “...or I could bring one of my girlfriends instead. I know she would really enjoy seeing ...” I told her I would discuss it with my husband and get back to her.

This niece (my God child) is 22 years old and we have always been close. I thought she was more mature than she obviously is. My husband and I decided some years ago that we would stop giving gifts (birthday and Christmas) to our nieces and nephews once they married. This was going to be a really special final Christmas gift for her since she is getting married next spring. I was so disappointed. I did call to see what seats were available for several other nights, but it was slim pickings and there were no four seats together available.

My husband and I are upset and have discussed our options. We would like your opinion on which one is most proper:

1. Tell our niece we would like her to ask her fiance to cancel his hunting trip and honor their commitment to us.

2. Tell her to forget the invitation entirely with no gift substitute.

3. Allow her to bring her girlfriend to the performance and to dinner with us.

4. Try to sell the other two tickets to someone else

5. Extend the invitation to one of our couple friends.

6. Tell my niece we will take her and her fiance to dinner on another date, without any other special event along with the dinner. Then ask her to discuss dates with her fiance and call us back as soon as possible with several firm dates from which we can select, depending on what fits into our schedule.

A: I can understand why you and your husband are disappointed with your niece’s call and with her lack of responsibility, maturity and caring. I suggest you go with Option 1 first. Preface your request by telling her how disappointed you and your husband are at not being able to spend this special evening with the two of them; that no other suitable tickets are available for any other performance date; and that you hope her fiance will cancel his hunting outing for the day or reschedule it, in order to have quality time with the two of you and a wonderful evening. Advise her the option of bringing her girlfriend is not one you and your husband would appreciate. Ask her to give you a response the following day.

If the response is her fiance will not cancel his hunting event that day, then offer her Option 6,

Then immediately proceed with Option 4 or Option 5. If you choose Option 5, extend the invitation to the couple with whom you enjoy spending time the most, with wording to the effect that you have these two extra tickets at (dollar amount) per person for such and such performance on this specific date and are offering them to this couple, along with an invitation to go to dinner at such and such restaurant prior to the performance. Offering them the option of paying for the tickets is definitely appropriate. However, if you would rather treat them for the entire evening, then extend the offer “to be our guests.”

Let’s hope your niece’s fiance will cancel his hunting event, and the four of you will have a wonderful evening together.

This story was originally published December 5, 2015 at 10:59 PM with the headline "Etiquette: Niece and fiance are hunting for trouble."