A little advice for a new dad

This time of year is filled with wonder.

I wonder what baby Jesus looked like when he was born more than 2,000 years ago. Winston Churchill? Not likely, since Winston hadn’t been created yet. Chubby-faced Morty of Capernaum, perhaps? I wonder how Mary held up after going through labor in a stable and all those guests showing up right away?

I wonder most about Joseph. As a rookie dad, I’m sure he was as befuddled as the rest of first-time papas.

“Lord, what do I do now? I don’t know how be a dad.” We’ve all said it. Having been in new dad shoes a couple of times myself, I know what he was going through. Am I ready for all this responsibility? How will I pay for his schooling? What if, as a teenager, he falls in with the wrong crowd?

I wish I had been there to give Joseph a little new dad advice. It would have gone something like this:

First of all, Joseph, be happy that your wife is OK. That long donkey ride must have been rough on her, especially since you probably didn’t stop and ask for directions. Then there was the no-room-at-the inn situation. You probably should have called ahead for a reservation.

And your kiddo has 10 fingers and 10 toes, chubby pink cheeks and a set of lungs that can be heard all the way to Damascus. He’s obviously going to be strong, the way he squeezes your finger.

You should be happy he was born on Dec. 25, just in time for a tax deduction for 1 B.C. Trust me, new dads think about those things.

You were probably hoping for a little Joey Jr. Or Irving or Murray, after your favorite uncles. But once Mary suggested Jesus, you know it was just right. Jesus of Nazareth has a nicer ring to it than Shecky of Nazareth.

It was great that those guests from the East stopped by bearing gifts. The frankincense was especially appreciated since those stables can get a little ripe. Put the gold away for the little guy’s education, maybe a family vacation to the Mediterranean someday. And the myrrh ... I guess you can never have too much myrrh. The myrrh, the merrier.

Now to the nitty gritty. As a new dad, you have to help out around the house. You can’t just go off and be a carpenter all day, then come home and plop down in the big easy chair you made.

You definitely have to change your share of diapers. But I have to warn you, it isn’t a walk in the park. Especially with a little boy.

You can usually tell when he will soon need changing by his face. If it’s all red and scrunched up, it’s a pretty safe bet duty is calling. If you miss that clue. Wait for it. ... Wait for it ... Phew, how can such a little guy make such a stench?

Here’s how it works. Lie him down on his back. At this point, the look of panic will be gone and he’ll be in a good mood because he thinks it’s play-with-Daddy time. And it is, in a way, because you can come up with a cute little routine to keep him happy while you clean him up and hold your nose at the same time.

BUT FIRST (and this may be my most important new dad advice), cover him with a piece of cloth. Little guys are known to spout a “little guyser” when you least expect it. Be careful or you might just get baptized.

The little guy will be most amused by this, giggling and kicking his feet to kingdom come. No doubt, the wife will tell all her new mom friends and they’ll get a chuckle out of it.

The early years will be a lot of fun. You can give him donkey rides on your shoulders. Raise his chubby little arms that don’t even reach to the top of his head yet to play “so big.” You can hold up a towel in front of him and say, “Where’s Daddy?” He’ll think you left and went to Bethlehem. He’ll be so surprised when you show up again.

You can teach him lots of stuff. You might have an edge when it comes to teaching right from wrong. But the best thing you can do is be a good guy and a good example for him. Teach him all about carpentry. When he’s old enough, let him sit on the far end of a board you are sawing. Or let him pull nails out of some old scrap wood. You can teach him to recite his Aramaic Alap, Beth and Gamals. You can teach him to add, subtract and multiply. “Let’s see, if you have two two loaves and two fish and a crowd of thousands, how many ...” I’m pretty sure he’ll get the multiplication.

The teen years will be trying. There’s no way around it. He’ll probably run off and get lost more than once, causing you and Mom to panic. Don’t panic. In a stern voice, tell him how worried you were. That you feared he was hurt and lying in a ditch someplace. Then give him a big hug.

Eventually, he will grow up and move out on his own. He’ll probably leave Nazareth for bigger opportunities. Just remind him to stop by once in a while and write to Mom regularly.

When he goes, pack a little “We love you” surprise into his luggage. Put in a note and maybe a little myrrh. You can’t have too much myrrh.

This story was originally published December 19, 2015 at 4:49 AM with the headline "A little advice for a new dad."