‘Pokemon Go’? Wally is Pokemon gone

As a columnist, one of my duties is to be on the vanguard of new developments in society.

With that in mind, I set out to play “Pokemon Go,” the game which has our youngest generation out roaming the streets in search of virtual monsters.

With only a vague idea of what it involved from watching people seemingly wandering aimlessly along the streets of Belleville, I headed to Boeving’s Barber Shop in downtown Belleville, because that is where the answers to most questions live.

Besides, I knew from talking to the barbers that they have Pokemon characters in and around their shop at 513 E. Main St.

In the past few weeks, Bill Boeving and his brother, Jim Boeving, have watched hundreds of people wander by their windows, staring down at their phones in search of the virtual-reality animals you are supposed to capture in the game.

First, I had to go online to some store and get the application for “Pokemon Go,” or app, as we in the know call them. That allows the game to send me the monsters and also access everything in my phone, I am told. Luckily there isn’t much in there anyway.

It also required me to know my password for this online store. After only a couple of guesses I was told that I had actually changed it two weeks ago. So that meant answering all the security questions so I could change it again. Only my incredible dedication to my work could have kept me going through this ordeal.

But finally I had downloaded the app and was ready to go, I thought.

“Remember to be alert at all times. Stay aware of your surroundings,” is the first thing the game told me. Then something about not driving and playing at the same time.

I know this is a problem because I have read about it and the barbers have watched people actually wander up the ramp in front of their shop and blindly hit the protective railing at the end.

Armed with my ridiculous new training name which you apparently need, I set out in pursuit of the virtual creatures. They were all around. One, a green meanie with red eyes, crouched right beside Jim’s barber chair. I advanced on it and nothing happened. Jim explained I had to shoot balls at it. I didn’t even know I had these weapons. But after only three shots, I had captured the thing, a bulbasaur.

I had one of 250 creatures, it told me, and none of nine eggs, whatever they are. Then things got really nasty as the game told me I needed to go outside and walk to get more balls and find more creatures.

Heck, I already have enough people nagging me to exercise without another one on my phone. I went home.

But later I checked back into the game just in case there might be some of these things near my house. There weren’t, but East End park, only a block away from me, was classified as a gym, which meant what, I don’t know. Anyway, the game told me I needed to be a Level 5 to go there and I had just started Level 1.

Like most everything I have ever tried for the sake of a column, I think I will give it up.

This story was originally published August 6, 2016 at 7:18 AM with the headline "‘Pokemon Go’? Wally is Pokemon gone."