BND etiquette expert assists reader with Easter stress involving — wait for it — a ham
Q. I am having the family for Easter but my recently widowed sister-in-law called me a couple of weeks ago and requested that she purchase the ham (which is what we usually have). I didn’t understand why she offered at the time and I still don’t, because she doesn’t usually bring anything and I don’t ask her to bring anything, nor do I ask any member of my family to “bring something.”
She brought it by and it is big enough, way big enough, but it is not the brand name I gave her, when she asked what brand to get. So, I went out and bought another ham, the kind I usually get, that I know exactly how to make, and how good it is. My questions are:
1. Should I or can I give her her ham back? Like when she is about to leave and walk with her out to the car and just keep it in a plastic bag?
2. If I am not giving back her ham, but we are eating the one I bought, do I have to announce to everyone she paid for the ham and thank her?
3. What if I make the ham she gave me, the way I always make the kind I buy, and no one likes it, do I tell them the story of how it is not the usual brand because I didn’t buy it?
4. If I don’t offer to give her the ham back, and there are leftovers of the ham, am I supposed to give her some to take home?
5. If she asks to do this again, next year, can I ask her to give me the money to buy it so I can buy the right brand?
Here are my answers to the great ham dilemma
A. My goodness, the stress and dilemma a ham can cause. Even though your recently-widowed-sister-in-law has not brought a food item to your Easter meal before, or offered, she may have offered because she wants to still feel, and still be totally included in your family now that her husband has passed away. She might feel this is one of the ways she can maintain her relationship.
1. I do not recommend you offer to give her the ham back that she purchased. That’s very rude, and would undoubtedly hurt her feelings very much. If you do, however, decide to do so, do not wait until you “walk her out to her car” with a bag in your hand ,but quietly ask if you could speak to her in private when she arrives, and then tell her. Be prepared for her to get upset, maybe cry, or maybe even leave without eating.
2. Whether you are eating the ham she purchased or the ham you purchased, yes, you announce she purchased the ham and thank her.
3. If you make the ham she purchased the way you make the other brand, I am certain it will taste wonderful. If someone mentions it has a slightly different taste, just tell them you “must have added a little more than a pinch of something”.
4. If there is ham left — regardless of whether it is your ham or hers — offer to send some home with her.
5. Yes, thank her again for purchasing the ham as she leaves. If she says something about wanting to purchase a ham for next year, enthusiastically and genuinely accept her offer. Then add, and so that you wouldn’t have to drop it off, if you want to give me the money, I will purchase it. I would think she would agree, but if she doesn’t, Easter next year is a long way off. Try to enjoy this one first! Happy Easter.