Are good manners still taught in metro-east schools, or are people just ignoring them?

Q. I recently saw a posting on Facebook talking about how so many of the good manners and etiquette rules our parents taught us older people are being ignored in today’s world, or maybe they are not being taught at all, is what I am wondering.

There were a lot of comments about it from people like me who definitely feel like good manners are not being taught anymore. One comment was about how lots of men come into restaurants wearing a baseball cap and don’t take it off. My father always removed his hat and so does my husband.

Another comment was about how parents allow their kids to scream as loudly as they can and run around in a restaurant instead of sitting quietly. That was a comment that was mentioned several times and how if we had done that, or tried to do that when we were little, we would have gotten a spanking in no uncertain terms when we got home.

I think it is definitely time to have a review of good manners and start teaching it again in schools if the parents aren’t going to do it. Have you seen this posting? Do you think proper manners are sliding, sliding into the horizon?

A. I wish I had seen or could have found the Facebook posting to which you are referring. Nonetheless, the comments were well taken and have been brought to my attention before. As a matter of fact, I have witnessed some of these same ill-mannered events myself. It is a shame because good manners and being successful and being respected are still very important.

Whether subconscious or not, we all form opinions about individuals based on what we see and what we hear. That opinion is referred to as a “first impression,” which is formed within just a few seconds and is often difficult to change once formed. Watching and hearing a screaming child running around in a restaurant, or even worse in a church, is difficult to overlook. It also gives me a subconscious message that the parent(s) or adult in charge of that child, is not doing a good job of teaching that child proper manners and proper behavior in public. I then ask myself, well, were these parents not taught they should not scream in public?

I mentioned the posting you brought to my attention to some of my other readers and friends (young and old) and asked them if they had noticed a change or slipping of manners, etiquette and proper behavior in today’s world. I asked them if there were changes they witnessed which were “driving them nuts” or “shocking them.”

I wouldn’t call it a “deluge” of comments in response, but there were quite a few – from not dressing properly in public – to terrible table manners – to texting, texting, texting while in the middle of a meal, or while placing an order in a restaurant – or while paying for an item in a department store.

“Please,” “Thank you” and “Excuse Me”: These words seem to be heard less and less according to some of those who responded.

“Sir” and “Ma’am”: These words seem to be heard less and less and are unfortunately being replaced by: “Honey,” “Sweetie.” While those words are suitable for a young child; they are NOT, repeat NOT, appropriate for an adult, especially a senior adult! As many of you know, this is definitely a pet peeve of mine! I visibly cringe when someone – anyone – calls me by either. It is my sincerest hope we go back to using “Sir” and “Ma’am.”

Listening and taking turns talking: This isn’t new because I remember when I was a child hearing adults say, “I couldn’t get a word in edgewise” and “I don’t think he heard a word I said.” Listening is so important and so meaningful to others. It makes you feel important, worthwhile, and respected when someone actually listens to you. The same applies when you are given an opportunity or asked to speak and to give your opinion. We learn so much by being polite and listening to others.

Table manners: There appears to be a significant deterioration in having proper table manners. Some seem to explain this by stating that families are much busier than we seniors were growing up. Families today don’t often have sit-down meals at home when the entire family is there; it may be eating off paper plates at the counter or in front of the television or in the car on the way to or from practice of some kind. Children today are involved in so many other activities, not just one sport, but many, i.e., dance, ballet, yoga, gymnastics, musical lessons; therefore, there is no real opportunity to learn or be taught proper table manners.

Specific comments: Eating without closing the mouth; talking while eating; licking fingers; holding a fork like a shovel and shoveling the food into the mouth; poor posture while eating, including having your face almost touching your food; putting not big, but huge, bites of food into the mouth; elbows and forearms on the table.

Eye contact: Not making eye contact when shaking hands or when speaking to someone face to face.

Restaurant servers: Serving a beverage with their hands touching the top of the glass which is an indication servers are not receiving proper training.

Not writing thank-you notes: Kudos to children, teenagers, and young adults who have been taught and/or realized themselves they should take the time to write a thank-you note – even though they have provided a verbal thank you at the time or called and extended a verbal “Thank you,” a written thank you IS REQUIRED – whether it is to Grandma for sending you a birthday card with cash, a check or gift card inside; to your aunt and uncle for taking you to a Cardinals or Blues game; to your neighbor for driving you to a sports practice even if it is only once, to all the kids who came to your birthday party and brought you a gift, it is proper to write a thank-you note as soon as possible.

Punctuality: Being “fashionably late” never was in vogue, and it certainly is not appropriate in today’s busy world. It should be a rarity today that someone is late for an appointment.

Furthermore, whereas it was difficult to notify someone years ago before cell phones that you were going to be late, or running late, or caught in traffic, there is little or no excuse not to do so today.

Yes, there are more comments I could address, but you might be reading all night. However, I would be remiss if I did not tell you that I find there are still very many polite young people in our society, who open doors, ask if they can help you, are very respectful and punctual.

NOTE: Here are two interesting questions relative to modern manners to which your responses would be welcomed for a future column:

1) What is an appropriate amount of time to respond to a friend who leaves you a voicemail message on your cell phone?

2) What is an appropriate amount of time to respond to someone who texts you a message?

You can provide your responses to me at lifestyle@bnd.com.