How not to be the turkey to those who prepare your Thanksgiving feast

Q. If I am the hostess of the family Thanksgiving Dinner, and as such, I feel like I am the one who should be able to decide how, when and where we eat our Thanksgiving Dinner.

We have a big family and I try to make certain I schedule eating time to allow any members of the family who go to church to do so and arrive in time to eat. I am getting a little fed up in recent years, however, with some members of my family who tend to try to dictate what time we eat, what we eat, where we eat, how we eat.

I don’t feel like I am appreciated for all the work that is involved in creating this meal and that finishing in time to watch football, or even eating in front of the TV to watch football, or who gets the turkey leg and how it is eaten, all are more important than what Thanksgiving is all about and to me that is being together, eating together, saying Grace, going around the table expressing what we are thankful for like we have always done and enjoying each other.

I would like to give you some examples and ask your opinion as to whether I am being overly emotional and “behind the times” as some have told me:

Time we eat: I make as much of the food as possible the day before and put the turkey and the ham in the oven early in the morning so that we can eat at 1 p.m., which gives those who want to go to church the opportunity to do so and still arrive in time to eat.

There are a couple of die-hard football fans in the family now who want to eat earlier so they can be ready to watch all the pre-football game stuff. Then there are a couple who say just let people eat when they get there and don’t have a set time.

Where we eat: I enjoy and take pride in setting my dining room table and another table in our beautiful screened-in porch, which is just through the glass doors, with all my best china, chargers, silverware, crystal, tablecloths, napkins and fresh flower centerpieces.

We have a large center aisle in our large kitchen which I use as a buffet table. I add a beautiful tablecloth to it and a floral centerpiece and really beautiful serving pieces. I create little Thanksgiving favors of some kind each year for each person.

I have some family members who have been saying they don’t like all the formality and would rather eat in front of the big screen TV in the family room, and relax.

“Let anyone who wants all the fancy stuff to eat in the dining room.”

What we eat: I like having turkey and dressing and all the fixings and ham for Thanksgiving. I don’t just make the traditional pumpkin pie, but I make pecan and apple, a cherry and a type of pudding pie. I make the traditional cranberry and orange jello salad, but I also have a lettuce salad. I make mashed potatoes and baked sweet potatoes. Yet one person last year suggested I make scalloped potatoes this year so I might add those.

I have four who fight over the two turkey legs, so I guess this year I am going to buy two extra big turkey legs so we don’t have a fight. Yet I have some who complain they don’t like turkey and dressing and that I should make BBQ or order it somewhere and pick it up, or have steaks, “and we will grill the steaks.” (That would be interesting and a lot of extra, last-minute work for me). And “nobody eats that cranberry salad anymore” and “why make all those pies – how about just getting an ice cream cake from DQ? Don’t go to all that trouble.”

How we eat: I have always insisted on proper table manners and that means using the proper forks and not eating with your fingers. It seems my guys who like to eat turkey legs like to take the leg in their hands and start having a “gnawing” contest.

Needless to say, this makes me grit my teeth and it certainly does not set a good example for the younger kids. They become a greasy mess – hands and face. So this year I am going to wrap the legs with aluminum foil so they aren’t so messy.

The Afternoon: Football of course is available; puzzles, card games; then I get out breads, cheeses, sausages, chips, dips, and homemade cookies and ice cream for anyone who would like to eat again and they can sit wherever they want.

My question: Am I wrong to feel offended? Am I being unreasonable? Do I stick to my guns and do what I have done for years and insist on a prayer and formal dining, or do I ask for a vote in advance and then follow whatever the majority wants?

A. It disappoints me how unappreciative people can be and how meaningful family traditions such as Thanksgiving dinner seem to be discarded so easily and be replaced with “casual.” I will get on my soap box for a moment and say, I feel one of the reasons our country has a problem with people not getting along and not respecting each other like they should is because our younger generation society has become too casual about too many things – from how we dress when going to work or school or church or traveling and shopping to not caring which fork to use and preferring to eat off a paper plate in front of the television instead of sitting at a beautifully set dining table. It has become a proven fact that when people dress and act more casual, they treat other people more casually and with less respect.

Now back to your questions:

I feel you have every right to be offended. You are spending a lot of time and effort in creating not only a fantastic meal, but an aura of family, Thanksgiving, being thankful and quality time together.

Time we eat: You have been most considerate in choosing 1 p.m. as the time everyone eats. It would really be unfair to expect you to have a Thanksgiving Day buffet available throughout the day. Furthermore, the joy of praying and eating together would be totally lost.

Where we eat: Your tables sound beautiful and your guests should feel special and honored that you would go to all the effort to make everything so lovely. Besides, it brings you joy to decorate your tables; therefore, continue to do so.

What we eat: When someone else in the family takes over the tradition of being the host, then that person can make the decision as to what the menu will be. In the meantime, your menu sounds wonderful and what a treat having homemade pies.

How we eat: Expecting everyone to use proper table manners is a must. Adding the foil to the legs may help with the mess; although, the sight of seeing the guys “gnaw” on the turkey legs is probably more than I could take.

The Afternoon: What a lovely afternoon you have planned and the afternoon food – perfect!

Q. My neighbors have invited my husband and me for Thanksgiving dinner. I have offered to bring something, but she said it wasn’t necessary. My husband and I like wine with dinners like this. Can we take a bottle, ready to serve, or do we need to ask if we can bring wine? Should we also take a hostess gift?

A. Yes, do ask if you can bring wine so the hostess can have the proper glasses available if she agrees to wine. Yes, it is proper for you to take a hostess gift in addition to the wine.

Q. I am allergic to mushrooms. I have been invited to a friend’s mother’s home for Thanksgiving dinner. Do I tell my friend about my allergy or do I tell her mother.

A. Tell the person who invited you about your allergy.

Q. I have been invited to join my neighbors for Thanksgiving Day dinner at a restaurant. Do I offer to pay for my meal?

A. Yes, definitely offer to pay for your dinner.

Q. I am not allergic to turkey, but I just do not like it. Can I pass that on to the hostess where I have been invited, or can I just not take any?

A. Do not tell the hostess you just don’t like turkey. Take a small amount of turkey or allow a small amount to be placed on your plate, and eat it.