How to be a courteous New Year’s Eve host and guest

Q. My boyfriend and I decided some time ago to go to a big New Year’s Eve party at a hotel. Some of our friends (couples and singles) said they were going to go as well.

In the meantime, my boyfriend tells me we are invited to a casual house party, with a sit-down dinner and card games after. He would prefer to go to that instead or at least go to that first and then the hotel party.

I already bought a new cocktail dress and shoes for the hotel party, and I do not like playing card games. I don’t even know these people at the dinner party. I also already have a hair appointment that morning to have my hair done. We’ll miss all the fun if we go late to the hotel party. Some of our friends who are going to the hotel party tell me I can go with them even if my boyfriend does not want to go or wants to come later. What am I going to do?

A. I am sorry, but I think your boyfriend is being more than slightly inconsiderate. He has put you in a very uncomfortable and unreasonable situation. This is how I look at your situation:

• Wearing a cocktail dress to an intimate sit-down dinner followed by card games, would not be comfortable for you, the host and hostess or the other guests.
• Taking other clothes to change at the casual house party from casual to cocktail party attire will focus unwanted attention on you and possibly give an unwanted impression that the casual house party group is not fun enough for you.
• Once the card games begin, it is going to be awkward for you and your boyfriend to leave the party – and before you know it, your boyfriend may decide he doesn’t want to go to the hotel party at all.

My recommendation: Tell your boyfriend: based on your pre-agreed plan of going to the New Year’s Eve Party at the hotel with your friends, and the fact that you have bought a cocktail dress and shoes, and have a hair appointment, you would prefer to go to the party at the hotel.

If he does not readily agree to this, then he may not be the boyfriend for you. It is, therefore, your choice to go to the party at the hotel with your friends. If he decides to go to the house party, that’s his choice and even if he comes to the party at the hotel later, you are not obligated under these new circumstances in your relationship, to act as his date for the rest of the evening.

Q. As newlyweds, we have decided to have a first-ever New Year’s Eve party in our home. It’s not going to be a big group, just some of our close, same-age friends.

My mom has suggested we have coffee ready after midnight and a designated driver (my dad, who only lives a couple miles away, or my older neighbor who doesn’t drink).

It’s not like we are kids. We are in our mid-30s, so my husband and I feel this is all a little too much and old-fashioned. What are your thoughts? Is this the proper thing to do?

A. It is definitely not only proper to have coffee available for your guests after midnight but very wise. It is also very wise to have a designated driver to call upon if necessary.

The bottom line is this: As the host and hostess for this party with your friends, you want to have a fun party, but it is also your responsibility to make certain it is a safe party.

Q. Do you still take a hostess gift to a stand-up cocktail party at your neighbor’s house even if you are only going to stop by on the way to another party?

A. Yes, it is still appropriate for you to take a hostess gift even if you are only going to be there a few minutes. It is also proper for you to send a hand-written thank-you note within a few days of the party.

Q. We are new to the neighborhood and we have been invited to a “progressive” New Year’s Eve Party – from cocktails at one house, to dinner at another, to dessert and games at another. My question is: do we have to take a hostess gift to each house?

A. Yes, a hostess gift for each host and hostess who is opening their home to you is appropriate.

Q. A couple of questions about New Year’s Eve parties – What time is the best time to start if it is a dinner party? Is 8 p.m. too late since it is going to be a party until midnight? Can desserts be served some time after dinner – after card games or charades – like at 10:30 p.m. along with champagne ready for toasting at midnight? What about just a party with hors d’oeuvres and drinks, which again will last until midnight?

A. Dinner Party: I would suggest 7:30 p.m. for light hors d’oeuvres and a cocktail so your guests can mix and mingle before sitting down for dinner at 8 p.m. This hors d’oeuvres time also allows for any guest who might be running a little late. Waiting for desserts until later – after games – is also fine.

Cocktail Party: Starting your party at 8 p.m. is a relatively popular time for a New Year’s Eve Party.

Q. If a friend is having a New Year’s Eve party again this year, but you have not yet received an invitation, do you call and ask or stop by to ask if they sent you an invitation?

A. Do not embarrass or humiliate yourself by calling to find out if you were invited or not? If you were sent an invitation and have not responded, the host and hostess will (should) contact you to check to see why you have not responded. It is at this point, you can indicate you did not receive an invitation which unfortunately can and does happen in this day and age of infrequent mail delivery.