How to host the perfect ‘high tea,’ even for the men in Belleville

Q. My sister and I volunteered to have a birthday tea at our house for our Mom in June. And it is going to include the guys, too. We think it is time for them to learn about other types of social activities besides summer BBQs. There will be a total of 12 if everyone comes, including us.

We naturally want this to be an awesome, unforgettable event, so we started a list of things we would have to have or how to do things and a bunch of questions came up and it turns out to be a little more complicated than if we had just decided to have BBQ and sweet corn on the grill, but if you wouldn’t mind answering them for us, we would appreciate it.

A. Thank you for all of your interesting questions. What a lovely idea. Men often accompany their wives, significant others, or daughters for tea. I am certain the men in your family will enjoy the experience and the opportunity to celebrate your Mom for her birthday.

Q. We thought about starting at about 2 p.m., and that would be called an “afternoon tea,” correct? Or can we call it “high tea”?

A. Afternoon tea is typically held after 2 p.m. or from 3 to 6 p.m.; therefore, you are in the ballpark. It would not be called a “high tea” because high tea is held after 6 p.m. and consists of an actual meal, really.

Some refer to afternoon tea as high tea only to make it sound more elegant. High tea got its name because it was served on actual higher tables later in the evening when men would come from supervising the workers in the fields and they were typically very dusty and dirty. Therefore, the lady of the house did not want them sitting on her beautifully upholstered chairs, so they stood up and ate from these tall tables.

Q. We have two tables so we could have six at each table. Do we have to have the same colors of tablecloths?

A. Six to a table sounds fine. You do not have to have matching tablecloths. As a matter of fact, having one table one color from the other would be very nice.

Q. We don’t have enough matching teacups so we have some vintage tea cups from our grandmother. Can we mix them or do we have to have six matching teacups at each table?

A. I think it is great when you have different teacups. It looks very pretty and provides a great topic of conversation.

Q. We have several kinds of napkins in different colors. Can we use them or should we use some nice white paper napkins?

A. Please, please, please do not use paper napkins. Mixing and matching napkins in size and color is fine.

Q. We have several kinds of etched crystal plates. Can we mix those between the two tables also?

A. Mix and match all you like, but try to use only those that have the same diameters. You may want to have another set of plates ready to replace the first one for the third course of birthday cake.

Q. We figured it would take four of the three-tiered serving pieces, and we only have one, so can’t we serve each course separately instead of all at once?

A. Yes, you can serve each course separately. I would recommend two 12-inch diameter silver trays for each course for each table. Include a doily on the serving plate. Make certain there are three of each item on each plate. Have a set of tongs for each tray.

Q. Or could we have all the food on a separate table and make it like a buffet?

A. You could, but then you have to have more food since guests can go through the buffet and take, let’s say, four little egg salad sandwiches and no tuna or chicken salad. So if you figure one sandwich per person, you will be short. You would have a lot more commotion if guests decided to get up more than once to go to the buffet table.

Q. We know we will have to have a fork and spoon for dessert. Are they placed at the top of the place setting or on the right and left sides as usual?

A. Since some of the salad may fall out of the little sandwich onto your plate when you pick it up from your plate to bring it to your mouth, you will need a dessert fork. Dinner forks are not used for a tea. Place it on the left side of the place setting.

The teaspoon should be to the right of the place setting for stirring your tea (both an inch from the end of the table).

Place another dessert fork and teaspoon at the top of the place setting for dessert. The dessert fork is placed approximately one inch above and parallel with the dessert plate with the tines pointed to the right. The teaspoon is placed directly above the dessert fork with the bowl facing towards the left.

Q. How many different little finger sandwiches should we have and what kind? Do we have to have cucumber sandwiches? Do you always cut off the crust of the bread? Are they all supposed to be cut in triangles? Could one of them be on a smaller-size croissant? We were thinking about having deviled eggs – is that OK?

A. Aww, why not have some little cucumber sandwiches? They make a tea a tea! Other suggestions might be chicken salad, roast beef and tuna salad.

Yes, you always cut off the crusts. They can be small triangular-cut sandwiches or little squares or a combination of some of each. Yes, you can use the smaller-size croissants. And, yes, deviled eggs would be fine.

It is preferred, however, to have all the tuna salad on one type cut and chicken salad on the small croissants perhaps and then the roast beef on another.

Q. We are only going to pick out one kind of tea and it will be a floral decaffeinated tea.

A. One type tea is fine in this case and hopefully everyone will like it – it certainly makes it easier for refilling since you and your sister will also be sitting with your family and not just serving.

Q. Could we also have iced tea as an option?

A. Hot tea is traditional for a tea and is part of the actual “experience.” Iced tea is associated with a lunch, not a tea.

Q. Do we have to have water glasses as well?

A. Yes, you need water glasses for each person, preferably a beautiful stemmed glass.

Q. We all like big strawberries, so could we have some with the dessert course? Do we take the stems off or not?

A. Big strawberries are a nice touch and could be served with the scones, perhaps, if you have plenty of different types of desserts. You do not remove the stems. It is a finger food item and held by the stem to eat.

Q. It’s traditional to have cubed sugar, isn’t it? If we don’t have little tongs, do we use a teaspoon? Is there a special kind of cream to use?

A. It definitely is traditional to have sugar cubes for a tea. A sugar spoon would have to be used if you do not have sugar tongs. If you do not have enough sugar spoons, then a teaspoon is acceptable. The sugar spoon would be kept in the sugar bowl when passing. Cream is never used for tea – it is milk.

Q. How many different kinds of scones do we have to have and how many per person? Do they need to be served warm? Can we use whipped cream instead of whatever clotted cream is? Do we need a jelly and a jam? How big are the scones supposed to be? Why can’t we have scones first and then sandwiches and then desserts?

A. No more than three types of scones are enough: perhaps plain, blueberry and cinnamon. They should be small – like two bites. You do not need both a jelly and a jam. Whipped cream is a little too unsubstantial. If you are going to have a tea, find a Devonshire or clotted cream recipe and make it. You can have scones as the first course if you like. I prefer it that way myself for some reason. The scones do not have to be warm, warm, but not cold, cold.

Q. Do we go around and fill the teacups or do we set the teapots on the tables and let them serve themselves?

A. You fill each person’s teacup the first time and then refill the teapots and place them on the table. A little teapot for each person is so sweet but takes up a lot of room also; therefore, one good-sized teapot for every three people would suffice. That will allow you and your sister the opportunity to sit and eat as well, but you must be mindful to see if one of the pots needs to be refilled at some point and get up to do so.

Q. How many desserts do we have to have? We want to order a decorated birthday cake and have Mom blow out the candles. She likes lemon cake, so I guess we will have lemon cake. There are normally more than one dessert, though, so what else should we have?

We all like bread pudding, can we serve that separately in a regular size little dish?

A. Desserts – the best course, of course, to most. Birthday cake of some kind is certainly appropriate. An option in lieu of a sheet cake or three-layer cake might be a cake made of stacked decorated smaller type cupcakes. You could still add candles.

Small stemmed wine glasses would be very elegant for serving the bread pudding instead of a regular size dessert dish. And even though there are usually three or four types of desserts for a tea, I feel the birthday cupcake and the bread pudding would be just perfect.

Having said that, if you would prefer more desserts, you can certainly add them on a separate serving tray.

Q. Can or should we have place cards and tell people where to sit? Where does it go?

A. Place cards add an elegant touch and are placed at the top of the place setting.

Q. Do we have candles?

A. You may have candles on the tables, but you cannot light them until 5 p.m. A fresh flower arrangement should be on each table.

Q. Do we have to have a favor of some kind?

A. Although favors were not part of original teas, they are often included in teas held today and are very nice. In this case, a little photo frame for each person with a photo of your mom would be lovely and a wonderful keepsake. If there is room on the table, it would be placed above the place card, or to the left of the place card.

Happy Birthday to your mom and have a lovely afternoon tea.