Etiquette of a business lunch and ‘team-building’ office outing
Question: Our office team had lunch together the other day as a “team building” effort because we have quite a few new members on our team. It was very interesting in that it was informal and we talked primarily about business goals and then about our families. The team leader suggested we continue these lunches with one a month or every other month because he thought it was very beneficial and we naturally agreed. After it was over and we were back at the office, some of us gathered and had a few questions about dining etiquette and whether we did the correct thing or not. In the meantime, we would like to share some of our questions with you and would appreciate your response, especially if we are wrong about something.
Dianne: Thank you very much for your very “on-point” questions. Individuals are hired or not hired, promoted or not promoted every day based on their dining manners or lack thereof. All-to-often the guise of a business meeting or interview involving breakfast, lunch or dinner has the purpose behind it of determining and evaluating if your table manners hit the mark.
My responses are below each section of questions:
Seating
Q: We had three men (one was the team leader) and three females and everyone just grabbed a chair starting with the team leader. Were we supposed to sit male, female, male, female, etc around the table? Were the males supposed to pull out the chairs for the females? Were the females supposed to be asked to order first?
A. It was appropriate for the team leader to select his seat first. If he had wanted to assign seats, he should have done so at the time he selected his seat; however, since it was an “informal” lunch and not in a private room at the restaurant, the process of each grabbing a chair was fine but I do hope the result was not three females together and three males. If so, next time, mix it up.
Seating females: Unless a female is the President, CEO or highest ranking person in the company, when she enters the business world, she becomes “genderless”. She should not expect a male colleague to open the door for her or pull out her chair to be seated at a lunch or a meeting. Everyone is polite and courteous to each other regardless of gender. For example, if a male employee is headed for the front door of the office building in the morning and has a stack of papers in both arms, and there is a female employee directly behind him, with nothing but a purse or briefcase in her hand, she quickly offers to open the door for the male in front of her.
Or if the other way around, the male offers, not because it is a male and female issue, but because it is the polite thing to do. It is common courtesy. Therefore, female employees at the lunch should not expect a male employee to pull out her chair for her and the male employee should not feel obligated to offer.
Ordering: Since I assume (the natural assumption) the team leader was picking up the tab for this team lunch, he should order first. His doing so makes it so much more comfortable for the other attendees trying to decide what to order. Even if he says, order whatever you want, and you see that he has ordered a medium-priced entree, then it would be wise for everyone else to order within that price range. (Now is not the time to order lobster at market price for instance).
The waiter or waitress should then take orders starting on his right (or left depending on their system) all the way around the table.
Something important to remember in an office-meal situation is this: Even if it is your favorite menu item, do not order something that is very difficult to eat, such as spaghetti for example. Why?: Because you do not want to be concentrating on whether the spaghetti is falling off your fork or onto your shirt or blouse instead of listening to every detail of the table conversation.
Furthermore, in addition to the team leader actually wanting to discuss team goals, he might be checking the quality of each individual’s table manners. Why?: Because it is a very competitive world today and regardless of the size of any company, they need employees who can represent them in any situation with utmost professionalism and polished manners, whether it is a high-level meeting with competitive business leaders or at breakfast, lunch or dinner with business associates.
Therefore, if you do not know which fork to use when there is more than one at a place setting, or even how to properly hold a fork; how many pieces of steak to cut at one time; where to place your knife after you have used it; when to begin eating and when not to, you may not be selected to represent the company and thus not have the opportunity for advancement as those who have those qualities.
Alcohol
Q: The team leader asked if anyone wanted an alcoholic beverage even though he said he didn’t want one. No one did, but would it have been OK to order one even if he didn’t?
A. An unwritten rule to some extent when it comes to alcoholic beverages at business meals:
Lunch: I do not feel an alcoholic beverage is appropriate at lunch even if the team leader had ordered an alcoholic beverage, UNLESS, it was a celebratory type lunch wherein there would be toasts of some kind.
In this case, however, even though your team leader offered everyone the option of ordering an alcoholic beverage, he did not; therefore, taking his lead and not ordering one is the best option. Even if he had ordered one, you need not to feel obligated to do so. But, if you did, it should be drunk very slowly.
Dinner: Alcohol is more of an option; however, all of the rationale I provided for lunch remains appropriate.
Dessert and coffee
Q. The waiter came with a dessert tray. The team leader opted out for dessert but got coffee. Two others ordered both dessert and coffee and two of the females discussed sharing one but decided not to do so. Is it proper to share a dessert? What if someone wanted to take a dessert back to the office?
A. It is proper to share a dessert IF, the waiter is requested to split the dessert onto two plates before bringing it to the table. If it is not requested in that manner, the dessert could be brought to the table on one plate with two forks or two spoons and this is not appropriate for a professional meal. I
f it were an intimate family lunch, one plate would suffice; however, having it split before bringing to the table is preferable even in that scenario. It is not appropriate to ask for a “dessert to go” at a professional lunch, because, actually, that could be perceived as a sign of poor business judgment.
Discussions about family
A: My experience in the business world has taught me to be very careful about the information you provide to your bosses and colleagues regarding your personal family life. I have had that same advice from some of my mentors.
Why?: Whether we realize it or not, business decisions regarding which employee is selected for promotion or travel jobs or higher levels of responsibility, may consciously or subconsciously be made by taking into consideration something you have shared about your family life -- something which can be perceived as a potential problem and therefore you are not selected, when in fact, the information you provided is not a problem at all and would not prevent you from performing your duties.
But, you were not consulted. For example: Let’s say you have your mother living with you. You pass that on as general information: “Oh, my mother lives with me and even though she is up there in age, and has a bad knee, we do a lot of fun things together.”
So: a new contract is being negotiated and the company needs someone to spend three or maybe four weeks out of town finishing all the details.
Management makes a list of those to be considered -- they look at overall knowledge, professionalism, negotiation skills and abilities; competency, and availability. Your name is on the list, and you are the best, but then someone says or remembers and subconsciously says to themselves: “Hmmm, her elderly Mom lives with her and she has to take care of her so it might not be a good idea to have her away from her that long.” Someone else is selected.
What they did not know because you didn’t elaborate is that you have a brother and sister who live nearby and all three of you are available to help her if there is anything she needs -- and if you need to travel with your job, they are ready and available to do whatever is necessary so you do not have to worry about her..
Therefore, perhaps you should have only said: “My Mom lives with me and we have a great time doing things together PERIOD.” Or added the information about your brother and sister. Yes, management could have consulted with you before making their decision, but it often doesn’t happen, and besides they usually feel they are acting in your best interest (which is very considerate but not always based on accurate information).
BOTTOM LINE: Your personal life is that--personal--and for business purposes, should remain personal.
