Cardinals players asked to give parenting advice for first-time fathers. Here’s what they said

The St. Louis Cardinals have added some highly specialized reinforcements for the season’s stretch run — and well beyond.

Four Cardinals have become first time fathers within the last month, with each having happy and healthy baby girls: Nolan Arenado and his wife Laura, Levi; Ryan Helsley and his wife Alex, Eliana; Steven Matz and his wife Taylor, Stevie; JoJo Romero and his fiancee Allyson, Kehlani.

With each birth has come an influx of congratulations and well wishes from throughout the clubhouse, as well as more than a few sage bits of wisdom from those who have already had the good fortune to enjoy their own fatherhood. What seemed to be missing, though, is advice from the people from whom parents most want to hear: those who do not have children.

Seeking to fill that gap, a quick tour around the clubhouse of the non-dads yielded several important pearls of wisdom that seemed essential to share.

Zack Thompson: “Parenting advice as a non-dad? I don’t know if I’m qualified for that. Let me get back to you.”

Jake Woodford: “No. (long pause) I don’t know. (second long pause) I’m not gonna tell someone else how to raise their kid.” (Thompson, passing by: “That’s what I said!”)

Perhaps sensing a trap, two of the younger members of the bullpen politely deflected and declined to offer their sage wisdom regarding child rearing. Woodford, reminded that he is himself the son of parents and therefore has at least some experience, wasn’t swayed. Thompson, who offered to check back in later, evidently decided that Woodford’s no would speak for him as well.

This is perhaps the advice most likely to be welcomed around the clubhouse, and represents wisdom in its own way. There is value, of course, in knowing what you don’t know, and the Cardinals are evidently prepared to attack that problem from each side of the pitching rubber.

Andre Pallante: “Just let them do whatever they want so they don’t cry.”

Up front, Pallante’s advice might seem sensible. Peace and quiet comes at a premium in a house with a newborn and seemingly holds its value for the remaining years in which the child lives in the house. Given his flexibility and versatility in pitching situations this season, it should not come as a surprise that Pallante opted for the path of least resistance and with the most direct path to meeting an immediate need.

The rub, of course, is that letting a child do whatever they want will itself likely end in a crying child, whether through injury, misadventure, or even just a poorly balanced diet. In the most desperate moments of torment, “you can do whatever you want” might settle down a rough patch, but an optimist might suggest that a poor choice by a child lends itself to an opportunity for an object lesson about decision making.

“She’s doing all the work’

Or, a beleaguered parent could simply find themselves on the business end of renewed or reinforced crying, defeating the purpose.

Jordan Hicks: “Tell your wife thank you. She’s doing all the work.”

This is an interesting technique, as it doesn’t really cover parenting as much as it does the maintenance of a marital relationship, and largely stops being effective at the end of childbirth.

Given the hectic schedule of a professional athlete, Hicks does raise a wise point about the time imbalance which will inevitably swallow up large chunks of the summer, at a minimum, into the indeterminate future. Dad’s work schedule will provide very few opportunities for time at home to babysit for mom to be out and about during the week.

Dog dad

It’s important to read this particular line of advice as charitably as possible.

Andrew Knizner: “I am a new dad! Dog dad, so I got my puppy power.”

That doesn’t count, though he reported the puppy is well behaved and is yet to destroy any of his belongings.

Knizner, cont.: “I think the number one thing just looking at how I was raised, sacrifice, number one. You’ve got to kind of sacrifice all your hopes and dreams for that new life. I think if you do whatever you can for that little baby, that’s the type of parent I’d be.”

Whether on purpose or by lucky happenstance, Knizner opted to offer a great compliment to his own parents while simultaneously recovering from the direct comparison of dog parenting to human parenting.

Nootbaar for godfather?

Some might make the case for a little bit of balance in the life of a parent while simultaneously pointing out that some of those hopes and dreams will now be wrapped up in the child, so perhaps they can’t all be sacrificed, but all in all, sometimes the fastball down the middle is the right pitch call.

Lars Nootbaar: Did not offer any advice, but did say he was angling for the Arenados to name him godfather. “See if you can get that in his head.”

Good luck with that one, buddy.