Addressing a wide range of Christmas-related etiquette matters
Q. The only people we had in our house for Christmas dinner were my in-laws. I love to pull out all my best china and crystal, etc, whenever we have someone or dinner and especially Christmas. So I did. I even put out these little ornament place card holders, and I used my Christmas dishes and my best crystals stems. After we were seated for a few minutes, my father-in-law made a comment that he was surprised we were not going to have dessert. I assured him we were and then he said, “Well, there is no fork or spoon up above my plate and that means no dessert according to my wife.” It was sort of an awkward moment, but I assured him we were having dessert. So this is my question: As I understand it, it is optional whether you place the dessert fork and dessert spoon at the top of the place setting — that you can bring in the individual desserts with either a dessert fork or a dessert spoon depending on what kind of dessert you are having. Since I was using charger plates and place card holders and three kinds of stemmed glasses (one for water, one for champagne and one for wine) and with a longer, wider centerpiece, I just thought it was too crowded to try to place the dessert utensils at the top of each place setting. Was I wrong?
A. No, you were not, and I would have made the same decision. Your choice of serving dessert separately with either a dessert fork or a dessert spoon — placed on the right side of the serving plate of the smaller charger plate on which the dessert plate is placed — is not only an option, but a correct option. Your father-in-law’s comment was one which would have been better left unsaid; however, you handled the situation very well.
Gift-related question
Q. Since our family could not be together as a group this year to celebrate Christmas, as we normally have done In the past, I had many of my gifts sent directly to each person from the stores. Wherever possible, I instructed the store to include a gift receipt. Each recipient has told me they liked their gifts, and everything fit. Should I, however, reconfirm with each one that if the gift does not fit or is not one which they would want to keep, that I will pay any return postage fees?
A. No, you need not contact each person regarding a gift which each one has already indicated they liked. Should they decide to make a return at this point, any possible postage fees incurred should be their responsibility.
Should I send another note?
Q. I received a gift during the holidays from one of my aunts and I have already sent her a nice thank you note, in addition to telling her over the phone that I liked it. Since then I saw something in the store of purchase which I like better. There was a gift receipt included in the box. Am I obligated to tell her I am returning, or have returned the gift and what I have selected in its place? I don’t want to hurt her feelings. She lives in another state and I don’t think at her age, she will ever be visiting me; therefore, there would be no way she would find out.
A. Since you have already sent her a thank you note, no, please do not send her another note telling her you changed your mind about whether you liked her gift or not and have returned it or exchanged it. My rhetorical comment, however, is this: What has happened to the sentimental days when a person was delighted to receive and cherish a gift selected especially for them by a relative or anyone for that matter? Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to say: “Oh, my aunt gave me this and I love it and cherish it because it was from her.”