Etiquette advice on a Kentucky Derby hat, friendship separation due to COVID-19
Q. My sister-in-law and her husband, my brother, have gone to the Kentucky Derby the last three years. Each year she comes to me to “borrow” one of my hats to wear. It takes her five or six months to return it and two hats out of the three have been “smushed” when she did return them. I have “gently” suggested she go out and buy her own (since they can afford to go and I can’t right now) but she doesn’t seem to listen. So I bought some hats on sale last November and gave them to her for her birthday in late November and for her Christmas present. It appeared she liked them, and I figured that would stop her from asking to wear my hats again. Wrong. She called recently and said she would be coming my way to do some shopping and could she stop by for a cup of coffee. Fine. She wasn’t in my house three minutes and she asks me if she can borrow one of my hats to wear to the Derby. I kept my cool and reminded her of the nice hats I gave her last year so she would have her own hats to wear. Naturally she responded with something like she liked mine better.
I told her they were packed away and she would look great in any one of those I gave her. I added that my husband and I might be going to a Derby Party this year anyway. She confronted me then with why wouldn’t I let her borrow one — I always take such good care of them. That did it. Unfortunately, I blurted out that we had two weddings to hopefully go to in early summer and I would need them. I then went into the kitchen to get some coffee for us and she said she had to leave and tried to make a joke out of the fact the weddings were a long way off and she would have it back long before then. When I tried to jokingly contradict her saying that it usually took months and months for her to return the hat and then it was usually dirty and needed a “sprucing up,” she turned around and left. Should I have loaned her the hat and kept my mouth shut? I’m afraid I hurt her feelings. Should I call her and apologize?
A. You need not call and apologize to her nor was it necessary for you to loan her a hat. You were honest and straight-forward; therefore, I suggest you put the subject behind you. Your sister-in-law will probably do the same.
Separation of friendship due to COVID-19
Q. I always thought a friend was someone you talked to on a rather regular basis — maybe not always something really important to talk about, but just someone who would share what was going on in her life and you in yours — maybe just something to tell the other person to give them a laugh for the day or a boost or some bit of news. What happens when that person you have talked to for over five or six years doesn’t call you or call you back like before the pandemic? I realize people’s lives have gone in different directions since then — some are busy taking care of their children who have been home from school most of the year and some working from home with not much new going on — no shopping trips with bargains to tell you about. But how do you maintain that relationship without simply asking why aren’t you calling me or calling me back? Have I said something wrong? I have had that happen to me and the same for some of my other friends. Do I keep calling every couple of weeks or do you just “let it go” or “let them go” even if you think you might have some important information to share with them? Does this warrant a pandemic etiquette rule be instituted and disseminated?
A. Thank you for sharing because you are not alone in this situation. You are correct in that the general reason recently behind this eventual separation of friendships is the pandemic. People’s everyday lives have changed so much and a lot of them are dealing with slight cases of depression or even major depression. Daily schedules have changed so much that what was once on the schedule, no longer fits. “Something has had to give” and unfortunately some of that is withdrawing or cutting out things that took up our time before the pandemic, and that may be taking time to talk to girlfriends.
Immediate and extended family relationships and situations may have taken precedence. My recommendation would be to be understanding and continue to call your friend periodically to stay in touch. She may not answer or call you back as soon as you would like or not at all, but you do not know what is going on in her world and little do you know that just hearing a voice message from you may help her get through the day or days thereafter in a more positive manner. Hopefully, our more normal world as we used to know it will return. In the meantime, it is continued patience, understanding, caring and reaching out which will help maintain civility.