BND columnist: Getting head stuck in dress is fitting room catastrophe
So the dressing rooms at TJ Maxx finally reopened.
Don’t know about you but I hate ordering clothes online. For every six outfits I try on, maybe one fits. That’s a half dozen try-ons for maybe one squeeze-into. And zipping up? Well, that’s a whole ‘nother nightmare.
When I can’t reach the zipper, I rely on the kindness of strangers. Sometimes I ask the woman in the dressing room next to me for help. Other times, I turn to my favorite TJ Maxx dressing room attendant, the incomparable Miss Geneva.
Alas Miss Geneva was nowhere to be found last week when my head got stuck in a dress. If it had been a zipper-to-body situation, I might have figured it out. But the head was uncharted territory.
“I really thought I was going to suffocate,” I told my pal, Lydia, later. “My head is the size of a melon. The neck hole was made for a grape.”
“And you tried it on why?”
“Because it was cheap.”
Also because it was a challenge. Once I squeezed the neck hole over my ears, there was no turning back. At that point, my eyes were bulging and my nose was flat against my face. Getting the rest of my body into the dress was easy-peasy compared to that.
“Are you sure the neck hole wasn’t an arm hole?” Lydia asked.
My pal, Anne, asked me the very same thing! I’m telling you it was a neck hole. And yet I was stuck.
Like a contortionist locked inside a coffin, I twisted and writhed in the confinement of my dressing room. At one point, I considered taking a selfie. But I couldn’t reach my phone to take a picture.
Once I got the dress on? Well, it didn’t look that great. Pulling my head through that hole was way easier than pulling it back out. It was like giving birth in reverse.
Half naked, my arms raised above my head, I waved the dress above my noggin like a flag. The good news: I didn’t pop my arm out of socket. The better news: I lived to tell the story.
“So I take it you didn’t buy the dress?” Lydia asked.
“Nope. It’s probably still there. And it was 50 percent off.”
“Fifty percent off you say? Well I might have to try it on for myself.”
Get ready, Miss Geneva. She’s “headed” your way!
