You asked about texting? Some advice from southwestern Illinois’ etiquette expert

Q. I have quite a few people in my iPhone address book. Some are personal friends and family, but I also have a lot of contact info for work colleagues, business associates, etc. Some of the text messages I get show the name of the sender at the top but others only show a phone number so if they don’t put their name at the end, or unless I recognize the phone number like maybe that of a family member who I text back and forth with or call all the time, I do not know who it is. Also, if their message doesn’t give me a clue as to who it is, it really stresses me out. I don’t feel comfortable just responding in general terms to this person and it is really embarrassing to call the number because what if I don’t recognize the voice or if they don’t say their name? I can’t just say, “Who is this?” Can you help me?

A. I know exactly what you are talking about, because this happens to me and it stresses me out, too, as I “rack my brain” trying to figure out who it could be.

Here is how I handle this situation:

• If there is a trail of texts, I scroll up to determine if any of the conversations ring a bell and then I can return the text by addressing them by name and closing with my name. If that is no help ...
• I call the number and hope I get a voicemail which tells me who it is: Like “Hi, this is Jane. I am away from the phone right now, but I do want to talk to you, so please leave your name and number and the date of your call and I will return your call as soon as possible.”
• I call the number and if the person answers the phone, I tune myself into carefully listening to the voice and if I do recognize the voice, I say: “Oh, hi, Jane, this is Dianne responding to your text message.” The conversation then proceeds.
• If I don’t recognize the voice, I say: “Hi, this is Dianne Isbell responding to your text message.” If the person responds but does not give me their name, I say: “Please forgive me but I do not recognize your voice or the phone number on your text.” Their response should be to immediately tell me who they are and why they texted me. Then we can proceed with a conversation.

My Etiquette Advice for Texting on iPhones:

• Texting is like writing a short note — you would put the person’s name to whom you are writing at the top left, just as though you were sending a letter. You would sign a letter; therefore, you should sign a short note; e.g., put your name at the end of your text.
• If the opportunity presents itself, before you send someone a text, ask that person for permission to send them a text or ask if they would rather receive a phone call. If a “phone call” is the response, then ask if there is a convenient time for you to call them.
• Respond to texts as soon as possible.
• Keep texts brief. If you feel you cannot provide a brief response, then reply with this text: “Sue, I have more to tell you about this, so please call me when you have a couple of minutes. I will be free all day. Jane.”
• Use proper grammar and do not use profanity of any kind.
• Do not include personal information, like banking accounts or your social security number.
• Do not put anything in writing in your text message which, if copied, (screen shot), would be most embarrassing to you or even incriminating.
• Proofread your text before you send it.

Frustration over delinquent responses

Q. What is happening in the world today with regard to responding to emails, text messages and voicemail messages in a timely manner? I think it is so rude and inconsiderate when recipients do not respond the same day or next day when you specifically ask for a reply, like “as soon as possible.” I often have to send a second text or email which is very time consuming, or I call them and have to ask them if they received my email?

A. I totally agree. It is definitely time to review and follow basic good manners.

This story was originally published February 5, 2022 at 9:00 AM.