The rules of friendship: Can life-long pals say anything and get by with it?
I recently dined with a friend who pointed out I spilled catsup on my top. I hid the stain under my sweater and jammed another fry in my mouth.
But an hour later, when we parted ways, she brought up the catsup again.
“Don’t forget about that stain!” she said and smiled.
Was she reminding me so I’d remember to pre-treat it? Or was she reminding me that I’m a slob?
Probably a little of both.
“People think they can say anything to you and get by with it,” my BFF Lydia has told me more than once. “You’re kind of like a walking ‘I Love Lucy’ episode.”
Point taken. But even Lucy had feelings.
I don’t mind if people laugh with me. But when they laugh at me? Well, that’s a problem.
This got me thinking about the parameters of friendship — and what it’s OK to say and not to say to a friend. Do teasing and brutal honesty go hand-and-hand with friendship? Or do these rites of passage have to be earned?
I turned to my old high school pal, Sheila Shearlock, for her perspective.
“There are different levels of friendship,” Sheila said. “You have your ‘casual level,’ your ‘mid-level’ and your ‘life-long/ true friend’ level.’ Your true friend can get away with pretty much anything.”
Maybe this is why I have no problem when my husband tells me I have lipstick on my teeth. Or when my bestie, Lydia, tells me I look “poochy” in a dress. Sheila, my sister, Melanie, and my pals, Lori and Deanne, also fall into this category.
“True friends can point out your flaws and get by with it,” Sheila said. “That’s because you know their intentions are pure. They only want what’s best for you. If they make fun of you sometimes, well, you make fun of them too.”
Have toilet paper on your shoe? Your true friend will tell you. Need to gargle? Well, they’ll tell you that too.
“That’s the difference between a true friend and a casual friend,” Sheila said. “A casual friend might offer you a breath mint. But only a true friend can tell you your breath stinks.”
As for all the “casual” and “mid-level” friends who point out my short comings? Well, I have decided to give them the benefit of the doubt.
Maybe the acquaintance who told me I have a cowlick was trying to be helpful. And the stranger who ripped a tag off the butt jeans — while I was bent over putting money in a parking meter — was sent by God to save me some embarrassment.
As for the friend who pointed out the spot on my shirt? Well, we don’t see each other often but I love her and I’ve known her for years. I guess that means she falls into the lifelong friend category.
And what’s a little catsup between friends?
