BND etiquette expert weighs in on ill-mannered, spoiled young lady & missing baking pan

Q. What can you do when you have a party and invite some couples, and one of them brings their 8-or-9-year-old daughter with them who heads for the hors d’oeuvres table and starts picking up pieces of cheese, meat, olives, and pickles with her fingers?

It gets even better because we had ravioli with a bowl next to the serving tray with the sauce. She takes a ravioli, again with her fingers and instead of putting it on a plate, she dips it into the sauce, takes a bite and proceeds immediately to the waste paper can by the bar and spits it out and throws the rest of the Ravioli still in her hand into the waste can.

Then she goes back and puts some of the ravioli sauce on a plate and starts scooping it into her mouth with a toothpick, holding the plate about an inch from her chin. I couldn’t take it any more and I told her to “please do not do that.” She looked at me and said, “Why not, I like it?” I couldn’t believe my ears but I quietly told her the sauce is to be eaten with the ravioli, not by itself. I got a mean look as she continued to use the toothpick and she told me her mother said she could have anything she wanted but not to make a mess.

I gave up. Her mother finishes her conversation about that time and comes over and asks her daughter if she has tried the food and her daughter tells her she likes the ravioli sauce and not the Ravioli and that I am giving her a hard time about eating the ravioli sauce. I get a weird look from her mother, a pause and then she tells her daughter, “Well, honey, she doesn’t understand about little girls because she doesn’t have one. If she did, she would let you eat just the sauce.” I couldn’t help it, I said, “No, I don’t think I would allow that.”

Dirty look from the mother and daughter but someone else came up at that time and started a conversation with this mother who introduced her little girl. Thank goodness they left shortly after that because she had to take her daughter to a sleepover. I thanked them for coming, but my heart was not in it.

Was I supposed to just let this little ill-mannered child do whatever she wanted with the food? Didn’t I have the right and obligation to preserve the quality of the food for the rest of our guests? Should I have just smiled after the mother’s remark about my not understanding little girls? I think there were some guests already turned off watching her pick up things with her fingers and then spitting into the waste paper can. I was rather embarrassed.

A. You definitely need not feel guilty saying what you did to this mother of a definitely ill-mannered, spoiled little girl. I have found that some parents think it is “cute” when their children act like this, or in some cases, they do not even realize how ill-mannered this type of behavior is.

Question about getting my baking dish returned

Q. I think everyone has a favorite baking dish they use when baking certain things. I baked a cake in my favorite rectangular pan about three weeks ago and took it to a local church for a funeral luncheon after the funeral of a man my husband used to work with. I had my name on the bottom of the pan, and I wrote down my name and address on the sheet of paper provided by the church for those bringing food.

I went back to the church a week later and spoke to the church secretary explaining that I was there to pick up my cake pan. She took me to the church’s kitchen where I had dropped off the cake but there was no pan in sight. I didn’t feel comfortable looking into all their cabinets, so I asked the church secretary to please have one of the ladies handling the funeral luncheon call me when they found the pan and I would come pick it up.

A week went by and no call. I called the secretary at the church and asked her if she had passed on my message and she said she had. She said she was told the family took it home after the luncheon with the remaining cake and she assumed they would return the pan to me themselves. My question is: Is it proper for me to call the deceased man’s wife and ask her about my pan or do I ask the church’s secretary to contact her about my pan? Or do I wait a little longer to see if I get a call? Or do I just forget about my favorite baking pan?

A. It is unfortunate sometimes when families are dealing with the aftermath of their loved one’s death and funeral that they are not able to handle all the details such as this in a more timely manner. You do not need to forget about your favorite baking pan. However, rather than you contacting this man’s wife, I recommend you ask the church’s secretary to contact her to make arrangements to get your pan back to the church and then call you so that you can come pick it up.