BND columnist assists with a wide range of potentially sticky etiquette situations
Q. I have been invited to a birthday party for a girlfriend and the party is being hosted by another one of her friends at her house. I am thinking I should take a hostess gift and I was thinking of bringing her a bouquet of flowers. I have a gift already bought for the birthday girl, but should I bring a bouquet of flowers for her as well? Or is that overkill?
A. How appropriate of you to think of the hostess and bring a hostess gift. The bouquet of flowers sounds lovely, but please have them in a vase so the hostess can immediately place them in a perfect place rather than having to try to find a vase. Flowers for the birthday girl in addition to your gift — how lovely and special. Again, please have flowers in a vase when you present them so she can place them nearby or give them to the hostess to place in a special location and not make it necessary for her to try to find a vase.
Gift card question
Q. I gave a gift card to a wonderful restaurant to a girlfriend of mine for her birthday. When she opened the card and saw the gift card, she immediately said I needed to go with her when she went to the restaurant. I told her that was not necessary. So my question is: When someone gives you a gift card to a restaurant as a gift for your birthday, Christmas, or whatever, does proper etiquette require you ask that person to go with you when you use the gift card?
A. No, there is no etiquette rule dictating you do that. The recipient of the gift card should not feel obligated to ask the giver of the card to accompany them when using the gift card, and the giver should not feel he or she should be asked.
Birthday luncheon dilemma
Q. One of my girlfriends told me over a month ago that she was going to ask some of her girlfriends to go out to lunch with her for her birthday and she said: “So, you will be getting a call from me when I decide where I want to go.” Her birthday is coming up in two weeks and I have heard nothing from her. Should I call her and ask her if she has decided where she wants to go? Or just wait? What if she doesn’t call me at all? I have already purchased a gift for her.
A. Please do not call her to ask her which restaurant she has chosen for her birthday lunch. To do so would place her in a possible embarrassing situation and you as well. It is definitely approaching the time frame for her to contact you and follow through with her comment whether she is still planning on the luncheon or not. Perhaps she has had to change her plans and doesn’t have all the details confirmed and that is why she has not contacted you. Regardless, please do not call her. Hopefully, you will hear from her soon.
Frustration over forgotten birthday
Q. I have a girlfriend whom I have done a lot of nice things for — for many years. I have never forgotten her birthday and have always mailed her gift when I knew she was not going to be back in the area. These gifts have been very special and she always loves them. We have often talked about how special birthdays are and how wonderful it is to have friends who remember us on our birthdays. We talked about how special this upcoming birthday of mine was to me. Well, she forgot it. I didn’t even get a call from her. It was a significant hallmark birthday (age wise) and it really hurt my feelings that she forgot it.
A few days later, when she realized she missed it, she called and asked me to confirm the date (like she didn’t even remember the date), and then said she had been so busy, she just forgot. She did not apologize — just gave a bunch of reasons why she was so busy and forgot it. I was really upset and I told her I was upset and then said I had to go.
She called back a couple of days later to tell me she didn’t understand why I was so upset — that she was only human and was so busy. Again, she did not apologize — just gave excuses — and made things worse. Once again, I just told her I had to go. A gift came shortly after that, which upset me all over again, and I had it returned without even opening it. I did so because I realized she wasn’t a true, or real friend in the first place and life is too short to have your feelings hurt and not even an apology. My husband thinks I may have overreacted a bit and perhaps I should consider making amends with her. Have I and should I?
A. There is no etiquette rule which exactly covers this situation. This person definitely owed you an apology and not just excuses. Your hurt feelings are the key factor here and if you feel this person did not value your long-time friendship enough to remember your birthday, after recent discussions about it, and then could not bring herself to apologize for forgetting it, I can understand your reluctance to continue the so-called “friendship.”