Etiquette expert weighs in on how to handle rehearsal dinner issue with bride’s family

Q. My husband and I are of course paying for our son’s rehearsal dinner. We have selected the restaurant and both the bride and groom have told us they like it, and the groom’s parents as well. However, the bride’s mother is telling us that rather than a sit-down meal, they all (bride included) would like heavy hors d’oeuvres.

She has given me a list of some of the items they (“the kids”) would like (it is actually what the bride and bridesmaids would like). The list includes a variety of soft tacos: Fish, shrimp, spicy hamburger to name a few; a variety of roll ups; a variety of flat breads; crab rangoons; a variety of cream puffs; heart-shaped cookies with the bride and groom’s names on them from a particular cookie maker, and wrapped so guests can take them home. Oh, and “whatever else you would like”.

She has also suggested we have the bar create a special champagne cocktail for the couple as part of the “open” bar.

First of all, my husband and I would prefer a sit down, served meal. While I did ask her if there was any particular favorite entree item they would like us to discuss with the restaurant, that does not equate to heavy hors d’oeuvres.

While we are considering the switch to heavy hors d’oeuvres, we don’t think her suggestions are very practical items to eat while standing up, and really not practical for a sit down meal either.

So please help us “put the proper protocol touch” on this and provide your opinion on these questions:

• A sit-down dinner versus heavy hors d’oeuvres.
• Practicality of the suggested hors d’oeuvres.
• Is it normal to give out a favor at the rehearsal dinner; i.e., the decorated cookie or should it be a favor at the sit-down wedding reception (at least we think it is going to be a sit-down meal).

We haven’t talked to our son a lot about the details of the wedding because the wedding details are the responsibility of the bride’s parents and we don’t want to put him in the middle, but our son mentioned they had to have a photo taken for the favor for the wedding reception which was going to be their picture in a small silver frame. This begs another question: Does every guest get one, especially if there are a lot of couples or single individuals with a date and the date might not even know the bride and group. What married couple would want two picture frames with the same photo?

Thank you so much in advance for your opinion and advice.

A. Yes, wedding details can often become possible dilemmas because both sets of parents have not only separate financial responsibilities but also different sets of ideas and preferences, which may or may not match those of the other set of parents. Here are my thoughts and suggestions:

A sit-down dinner versus heavy hors d’oeuvres and practicality of the suggested hors d’oeuvres

I agree with you that a sit-down dinner is preferable for a rehearsal dinner rather than heavy hors d’oeuvres---especially the type suggested (actually preferred) by the bride’s parents.

They would be so messy to eat standing up or actually sitting down as well. It is time to develop a closer relationship with them and open a dialog with them. Your contacting the bride’s mother and inviting her to coffee or lunch might be a good start. You could then chit chat first about general things and then bring up some of your concerns.

At the rehearsal dinner, there is usually a reception time of about30 minutes which allows everyone to arrive before the meal is served, have a beverage and mix and mingle a bit. Some light hors d’oeuvres are usually a part of that time period.

Perhaps you could consider one or two of the hors d’oeuvres they have requested that aren’t the messiest to eat, like the small-sized flat breads, small crab rangoons and small roll ups along with those you were planning on ordering. Offering to compromise on that subject may help develop a closer relationship. You could then express your feelings and desire for a sit-down meal.

A favor for the wedding reception and not for the rehearsal dinner

First of all, let’s discuss a favor for the wedding reception: The decorated cookie. There are occasions where a favor might be given at the rehearsal dinner, such as the cookie. During your meeting with the bride’s mother, if you feel comfortable adding the cost of the cookie to your budget for the evening, it is not a faux pas to provide it.

If the bride’s mother offers to pay for them, you can consider allowing her to do so, but you need not feel obligated to do so. It would appear to me that if you allow or ask the bride’s mother to pay for them, she is likely to somehow brag about it at the dinner to an extent which you may not appreciate.

The rehearsal dinner can be the time when the bride and groom pass out their gifts to their parents, sometimes, and the people in their wedding party. If the bride is giving her bridal participants a personal gift, such as earrings to wear in the wedding, or a bracelet or necklace, this would be the time to make that presentation rather than just before the ceremony.

If the gift is not personal, some brides and grooms prefer to do this just before the wedding ceremony when everyone is getting dressed and they are having their final special words and moments with their parents.

The framed photo favor for the wedding

I have been at weddings where this framed photo favor is given to guests. It can become sort of a nightmare making certain only one is given to a couple and one to the individual who was invited but not to that individual’s guest should he or she have the option of bringing or asking to bring a guest. Rather than hurt someone’s feelings, the bride and groom or bride’s parents may choose to give a favor to that extra guest even though they may not know that person.

I feel your coffee or lunch with the bride’s mother will provide you with a lot of other information about the wedding plans and open the door for future candid discussions about those wedding plans.

Best wishes for a wonderful wedding rehearsal and dinner.

Note

My thank you again to the lovely ladies of the St. Clair Woman’s Club for inviting me to be their speaker at their November monthly meeting to talk about: “Etiquette: Then and Now”.