They asked their guests for donations to pay for their Super Bowl party. Was that OK?

Q. My wife and I were invited to a Super Bowl party. We were told we did not need to bring anything. At the end of the game however, the hosts presented a basket to be passed around for donations to pay for the party. Have you ever heard of such a thing? Wasn’t that rather bold and improper? We didn’t say anything and we threw in some money, but we weren’t too happy about doing so.

A. No, I have not heard of this, and yes, it was very bold and very improper of your hosts to pass a basket asking for donations to help pay for their party without telling you about it at the time the invitation was extended. Even though you weren’t happy about contributing, you did the right thing. You may think twice about accepting another invitation from the hosts of this party without being given or discreetly asking for all the details.

Job promotion quandary

Q. A big job came open recently in our company and I applied for it and got it, and it was a promotion. Wonderful, except a couple of the others in my office applied for it, too, and were really disappointed I got it instead of one of them, especially since I have not been with the company as long as they have, but I think I have worked a lot harder (than them) just because I was the new kid on the block.

They’ve basically stopped talking to me. Should I try to apologize to them or write them a note of some kind? I’m not sure what to do or what to say to them. What is the proper thing for me to do?

A. Congratulations to you on your promotion! You obviously worked very hard and justifiably deserved the promotion. You do not need to feel you have to apologize or send a note to those who also applied for the position, but did not get it. That is not your responsibility. Your focus should remain on being successful in your new position.

Engagement break-off, ensuing drama

Q. Our daughter got engaged during the Christmas holidays. We had an engagement party for her and her future husband and so did his parents. She has since decided to give the ring back. Lots of drama involved and a certain amount of discontent between our family and his. They had not set a date yet, but as her parents, what are our responsibilities at this point?

A. Unfortunate things like this do happen and although there may be a lot of discontent and drama involved, a broken engagement is not the end of the world. It is important and proper, however, that each gift which was received at both engagement parties, be returned along with a hand-written note. The note does not have to be long nor does it have to explain why the engagement was broken and that there will be no wedding. It does, however, have to tell the giver the engagement has been canceled and there will not be a wedding. Whether a previous thank-you note has been written or not, it is also proper to thank the giver again for the special gift.

Since it was your daughter who broke off the engagement, it is her or your responsibility to absorb the cost of returning the gifts.

• If the gift was a check and the check has been cashed, a new check should be included along with the note.
• If the gift was cash, a check in that amount should be included along with the note.
• If the gift was a gift card, the gift card should be returned along with the note.
• If it had been a mutual agreement by each to break off the engagement, then the engaged couple and each set of parents would be responsible for the costs associated with the return of the gifts.
• Gifts can be returned personally, rather than mailed, if given by immediate family members, such as a brother or sister, grandparents, aunts and uncles. A note, however, should still be given along with the gift.
• Any gifts received and kept by the ex-groom or his family should be returned by them rather than being given to your daughter to return. It is then his responsibility to include a note along with the gift.